From as young as I can remember, I grew up with what would be better known as a voice inside my head. Now please don't call me crazy. The many times I've said it and yelled at myself "I'm crazy" you'd think I would get the point by now. But the funny thing is I am not crazy. You also, are not crazy. Mental illness is something that grows its own mind deep in the core of our bodies. I feel so much raw anger towards such a thing that can create such a heavy presence on my life that is not here in physical form. What gives it the right to live and breathe throughout my skin. What gives it the right to disturb my social being. What give it the right to make me humiliate myself in front of others. What gives it the right to make me cry for hours a night. What gives it the right to give me fear to the point my heart feel like its playing tug a war. What gives it the power to hurt.
No one could possibly understand how many people mental illness affects each and everyday. We each have our own story to tell. Us people, we put up a front on the outside. We look fine, we seem as though everything is going right in the world. Inside well, that's just another topic.
Let me create an image for you. Just imagine a black hole, that you've just failing into. Its dark, deep, and cold. However at the top there's a whole beautiful world. Your one mission is to get to the top, and find a way out of this hole. Along comes a huge storm. Rocks, sticks, etc are thrown into the hole. A rock hits you that's an anxiety attack. Another rock hits you thats an ocd obsession. A stick hits you, that's a wave of depression that wont let you get out of bed. You try and try to get out of the hole but each step you take to get out, the storm brings you one step back. That is mental illness. A fight against yourself that seems you'll never win. So many try to understand but they cant unless they have been through it themselves.
Age six. I remember it so vividly. Five steps forward, five steps back, five steps forward, five steps back. Over and over and over again. Until "the voice" in my head said it was okay to move on. "You didn't step the right way, go back and do it again or something bad will happen to your family." OCD has lived in breathed in me since I was young, and this is my story. ss
It all started with little noises, if I didn't do something right I'd have to make a noise to satisfy the compulsion. I would retrace my steps fifty times, until it was okay to move on. I would do summer salts on the hard as-fault until I had to stop. By this point yeah you probably think I'm crazy. Obsessive compulsive disorder takes control of you and your mind. I had control I just didn't learn or get knowledge on how to control it. As I got older it grew more about my mind and thoughts. No more compulsions like retracing my steps. But constantly worrying about anything and everything. A normal person may worry for 2 seconds and drop it. My brain will analyze something for days on end and not let go of it. It will go in a cycle and ill have no control. This leads to extreme anxiety and some what of depression. I have struggled with this forever and I look back to see how far Ive com e.
No one talks about mental illness because its hidden. Underneath the skin, inside of our brains. I can tell you one thing you will not understand what we go through, until you physically go through it yourself. But if you are going through this. I want to tell you one thing.
DO NOT GIVE UP.
I'm sharing my story today because no matter how deep down in that hole you get. There is so much hope to be had and realized. Your mental illness DOES NOT control you. YOU are in control but first you must provide yourself assistance. As happy as Ive seemed on the outside that was nothing compared to the inside. Anxiety, depression, OCD. This goes to anyone with a mental illness of any sort. Your illness does not and I mean does not control you. YOU control it. As hard as it may seem that you are in no control, you are living and breathing and you my friend are. We are not crazy. We are humans who go through things some cant even imagine. Everyone has their own story. Take the time to read one or two, or maybe learn.
