It's easy to feel like a victim when things keep going south and you have no idea why. I can easily reflect on the past 5 years of my life and remember all the times I felt like everything was falling apart in front of my eyes the very second I thought that everything was finally going well. It was like the moment I thought "My life is perfect," the Universe laughed back at me saying "Think again!" I would finally recover from my last traumatic or problematic event with a sigh of relief thinking that all my struggles and pain were finally behind me, feeling like I could breathe again. Everything was okay. Yet life was always proving me wrong.
This kind of defeatist attitude is easy to develop when you feel like you're always being knocked down the second you get back up. But, thanks to the many heart-to-hearts I've had with my dad lately, I've realized that the uphill battles and the turbulent ups and downs that you face along your journey need to be looked at as the inevitable tango of life, rather than life purposely trying to get you down and kill your spirit the second you feel like you're above water. There is a reason that I've always felt disappointed in life. It's because I'm always striving to get to this "perfect" place where nothing goes awry again and I can finally live in peace when that place is nonexistent.
I've always been the kind of person that wears my heart on both sleeves. If I don't express how I'm feeling, I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm transparent with the troubles I face and lean on others for support and guidance and I'm not afraid to ask for help. Yet, just because I allow everyone to see right through me, doesn't mean that everyone is like that too. A lot of people hide their struggles and their inner demons. They suffer in silence and put on a happy face. I tend to forget that and think that everyone's life seems perfect except my own, and it's not.
Hell, I just announced to the world that I was cheated on by somebody I thought was the love of my life, but I neglect to remember that thousands of people go through the same thing and prefer to keep it quiet instead. I'm not alone. I'm not the only sucker who has gotten betrayed and heartbroken and was confused on whether or not to forgive and try again or walk away forever. It happens to the best of us. Many of us have felt like we can't ever catch a break.
Some people have had close family members pass away unexpectedly, or friends who have committed suicide, or bosses who fired them and left them with nothing to lean on, or marriages and relationships that fell apart when they saw a forever with somebody. Everyone has felt defeated and like life must be out to get them at some point. It's a horrible feeling. Trust me, I know. When I'm crying so hard that I'm making myself sick, it's hard to stay positive and see the bright side of the situation. But today I was in my car, praying to God, thanking Him for everything I do have rather than dwelling on all my problems. I tend to overlook all of my blessings while I'm too busy cursing the Universe for all the things that are currently going wrong. Yeah, my seemingly perfect relationship isn't as perfect as I thought.
Yeah, I'm moving home and cutting off toxic friends left and right. Yeah, I'm stressed about my future after graduation. But what about the fact that I have a loving family that's always willing to welcome me home with open arms? What about that I still have genuine friends from my childhood who never fail to reach out when they know I need it? What about that even though graduation and transitioning into adulthood might be scary, I'm still set up for success as long as I put my mind to it? There's always a different way to look at things that will make you realize you're not completely doomed.
With every hardship, I learned. With every relationship, I grew. With every failure, I persevered. I thought I'd never wake up and feel better until the day I finally did. The sun shined brighter, the coffee tasted better, and I felt hopeful for the future once again. But from here on out, I'm going to remember that just because you eventually get over that "hump", doesn't mean that you'll never face problems and heartache again. Life will always surprise you, in both good and bad ways, and you just have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for whatever comes next. The bad news is that you'll never get to that "perfect" place. Life is going to knock you down. The good news is that you're not going to stay down forever.