Depression.

You must wonder why I chose to start with that word, well, it’s because it’s one that is dear to me. One that has transformed me into the determined, courageous, hard working, hopeful and faithful woman I am today. Not enough people talk about depression, so I decided that it was time I did. It is looked down upon and people are afraid to speak up or admit they are depressed because they are ashamed. Well, I am here to tell you that it is okay to feel down. We all go through it at some point. I know this because I struggled with this. Here is a glimpse of my experience:

Entering College, there was a stigma about college years, they are supposed to be the best four years of my life. The years where I would meet my best friends, potential spouse and have unforgettable memories. What people did not warn me about thought was that even though those four years can be the best ones for most, they can also be the toughest ones. I could not wait to leave home, Haiti, and move to Miami, Florida. It would be a time for me to start my new life; free of pain, free of my past, free of emotions and free of anything that holds me back. I was finally away from home.

I expected to have the best freshman year since everyone I had met had the best years of their lives in college. Little did I know, it would be one of my toughest ones, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I quickly found out that I could not run from my past or my pain. I could start over, and have a blank slate but I would not be able to keep my emotions and pain bottled up inside of me like I had for the past ten years.

When I moved, it was very easy for me to make a group of friends, my “squad”. I quickly got attached to them and thought I had found my best friends for life. Once again, I was wrong. I had imagined this new life, free of pain, disappointment, hardship, and trials. I had almost imagined the most perfect four years. But, as well know, there is no such thing as a perfect year or a perfect life.

Towards the end of my second semester, my “squad” sort of abandoned me and rejected me from the squad. I was confused and astounded. I could not grasp what had just happened. The girls who were supposed to be my best friends for life had just abandoned and betrayed me. I felt very lonely. Felt like no one could understand what was happening. I could not even understand why it hurt so much, I had only known them for three months. After a lot of thought, I realized that it wasn’t necessarily that I was feeling this lonely because of that specific event. It had been an accumulation of all the disappointments, betrayal, and pain I had been through these past ten years.

I think it hit me the way it did because I never thought I would experience that pain in Miami, it was supposed to be my perfect life, not the one I had left back home. I started to experience more loneliness and pain as the semester ended and as the new one came up. I am not one who likes to feel my emotions especially painful ones, therefore, I had no idea why I was so discouraged, tired, drained and sad.

In January, I tried to deny what I was physically feeling in my body, but it was almost stronger than me. For the first time in my life, I could not control my emotions or the way I reacted to events. It’s as if I was walking on thin ice and I felt like I could break at any minute, and I did. I broke down internally/emotionally and had no idea how to get back up. It’s as if I was drowning but no one could see me drowning because I had mastered my smile which made everyone think I was always okay when I was not. I was scared and ashamed to be depressed. I could not accept it. I would deny it and say that it’s because I was taking seventeen credits and I was overwhelmed, but I was just lying to myself. I could keep my smiling, perfect, joyful façade on until maybe February then I broke down. I exploded and I fell hard. When I fell, I did not know how to get back up. I was alone and I had no idea who to talk to, I went to the counseling center, but I wanted someone who knew me to be there for me, to hold me and to just take care of me but I was too afraid to speak up. I stopped caring about school and my grades until it almost became an issue which is when I realized that I could no longer deny it and I had to help myself out. It was either drown and give up or stand up and fight for yourself.

I stood up and faced my fear. I told my parents and brother that I had been dealing with a depression and that I needed their help. They were very confused and shocked, but understanding. They called a lot and many times the first few days and tried to give me as many encouraging speeches as possible, and though it was overwhelming at times, it was good to know that I had a support system to fall back on. I had God, my creator and my support group (my family).

A group of people, even if it was three or five people, who I could rely on and feel depressed with. A group of people I knew would help me get out of it. People who would help me fight and not give up. I understood for the first time that it was okay to not be okay and it was okay to have bad moments in life. It was okay to fall as long as you have people to help you stand up, even if it’s a person, just someone who will be by your side through it all. Trust me, you will not be able to do it alone, you can try and you can succeed at times, but you should never have to go through it alone.

I did not tell you this story for you to feel bad for me, on the contrary, I wrote this because I want you to understand that it is okay to be down, depressed, discouraged and want to give up. You are not the only one. I know it’s scary and it’s painful but believe it or not, it will get better. There will be a time where you will smile and it won’t be forced. There will be a time where you will be able to envision the future again. There is hope! Don’t give up, don’t let go, fight back. As Andrew Benintendi says: “You're going to struggle. You're going to do well. You can't really let the past or the day before - whether you had a good day or bad day - dictate the day you have that certain day.”

Don’t allow the past to dictate your future. Write your own story, decide what you want your future to look like. I was able to fall back on my faith in God, pray and stay hopeful, as well as talk to my family. Therefore, find what will keep you together. Find your support system or strength through religion, therapy, friends, family, a blog, singing, dancing, or whatever you believe will help you get back up. Make sure it will be something you can count, depend and rely on.

You were put on this earth for a reason and giving up was not one of them. Those tough times and struggles were created to build you and shape you into the person you need to become. They give you the courage, strength, and determination you need to surpass future obstacles to come. When you fight back, you tell your past, your pain, others, whatever may have broken you, that they may have once had power over you, but it is over.

Now, you are in charge, you are in control and you are deciding to fight back, to feel, to learn, to move on, to forgive and to let go. You are turning the page, closing the book and starting your novel. Fight back. It’s not over just yet. This is a new semester and you can start a new chapter in your life. A new beginning, where you can look back at the past, the struggles and pain without feeling like you’re drowning. A time when you can look back and see how much you have progressed and accomplished because of that past.

One last thing I would like to leave you with is to never forget that: “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross You are a beautiful, who is worth it, and who’s life and story matters. You are a blessing, never forget that.

Good luck on this new chapter of your life, may it be a very productive and fruitful one.