This is the bold and honest truth about what goes through a typical 17 year old's head when she is thinking about ending everything. To my family: I'm sorry if this hurts, but I want to tell my story in about 500 words.
I'm not worth the breath I am taking. A thought that sometimes still creeps into my mind that brings me back to a time when I felt so hopeless, and like I was hanging on by a shoelace. No one will even miss me. A concept that reappears even now when some people grow apart from me. My family will forget me. Something I can't come to accept -- thank the Lord.
At a time when I needed friends the most, I felt the most like an outcast. No one would reach out to me, and I was too weak to ask for help, and I just felt like a burden to those I wanted most. OK, I get it. Most people see a teenager who is suicidal and thinks it's just for attention, and maybe in a way mine was like that. However, I didn't WANT to die. I just wanted an out. A way for all the pain to officially stop inside me. And when I didn't get the attention from friends I needed, it pushed me to harm myself even more.
What hurt the most was the pain that this all placed on my family. They couldn't leave their 17-year-old daughter home alone, they had to come into doctors appointments to make sure she was being honest. I could see the hurt in them. I just pray they know it was not their fault, and they fought the best they could, and I wouldn't be here if they didn't show how much they cared.
I will be honest though, my first thought when I walked into a room would be what can I use in here to cause the most harm to me? Thankfully, I am free from those thoughts; however, they were terrifying at the time. I can still remember seeing just about everything as blood, and being haunted with thoughts of pain and control. I never wanted to leave my bed, especially not for school. People would ask me, "How could such a smiley, happy person have such strong depression?" I still don't have an exact answer, all I can say is I hid it well so people could at least stand to be beside me.
Some ask me how I finally conquered my thoughts and habits. I just want to say I never really did; it's a battle that I still fight but I will never lose because I have lost someone to the battle, and seeing him robbed of the joy I was familiar with him having and seeing the heartbreak in his mothers eyes made me clean. Through tragedy I was made stronger, but I just wish there was something I could have done for him.
If you are fighting, keep pushing. I'm begging you. Life gets better. Your story is not over. You cannot come this far to only make it this far. Don't be afraid to seek help. Seek help from me if you need. And if your friend or family member is battling, help fight with them. Be the rock they so desperately need. Love them the way you would want to be loved.
I can honestly say that the bravest thing I have ever done was take another breath instead of taking all my pills.
