This isn't an article about the kind of boys you meet at each of these bars. That is a story for another time. Rather, this is an article matching each bar's personality to a guy you've dated or will date (most times unfortunately). If you're an out-of-towner visiting for football season, maybe this can serve as a directory to where you might want to spend your time on gameday. If you're a Bama student hopefully this gives you a good laugh. So, let's raise a glass to all our boys past, present and future and remember that you miss 100% of the ~shots~ you don't take!
As a Freshman, Rounders has hung the moon and you couldn't be happier to go there. A few months ago you were sneaking booze into grad parties and now you're just out on the town! It seems like a too good to be true miracle. I'd be lying if I said I didn't play a big part in keeping the lights on in that fine establishment my first year. Every day after freshman year you become exponentially ashamed that you thought you were the coolest person ever when going there. But, hey, it was a beautiful shiny new penny with loud music, strobe lights, confetti and an incredibly dangerous staircase. Rounders as a boy encompasses all the guys who seemed like really great ideas at the time but you now wonder what the @#$% you were ever thinking. Sometimes you go back (even if it's just for a date party), which is similar to stalking ex-boys who you realized weren't a good fit when you figured out they didn't know the difference between your and you're. A part of you will always have a soft spot for getting rounded, but you're so so glad you've (mostly) moved on.
Ahhh the Home of Midget Wrestling (their words, not mine), Harry's is a little outside the box and you might not have heard of it until the middle of Freshman year. Established in 1972, Harry's is a tradition and a rite of passage. This is like your first boyfriend full of excitement and butterflies. Trying the Crazy Bucket and going to Harry's is inevitable and if you want to date, you can't not have a first boyfriend!
Rhythm and Brews
Rhythm is the beautiful stranger you meet at a country concert. He has facial hair and drives a truck. His name is either Dierks, Jackson, Chase or maybe even Dallas. He's for sure one of your favorites you've ever dated and you're holding on tight like you're riding the bull!
The Red Shed
A bar with ring toss, a relaxed vibe and great bands, The Red Shed is like the laid back sort of outdoorsy guy you date. He's not as country as the boy equivalent of Rhythm but he's fun and the kind of guy you cozy up with by the fire. He likes hearing your old stories and visits his grandma on the reg.
I don't even know how to really describe Sideline but I'll do my best. Sideline: is it a small chill bar? Or is it a small rave? What's up with the Panda Head? Is it a graduation party for everyone who has outgrown rounders? Why is there only a single stall bathroom? This is the guy that always has you second guessing and wondering what his deal is. He also loves EDM and is saving up for some sort of Gucci bag. He drives a bright green Camaro and is proud of it.
Bear Trap is the guy who is very hard to approach. If you've been up or down their stairs you know exactly what I mean. Maybe he's famous or of a higher social standing but something about him makes you feel like he's out of your league. Because of their amazing prizes for their Bingo night, there are also shades of the older wealthier man you might date too (even if he was a little hard to reach).
Being that ICON is a drag queen show bar, this bar is your gay best friend! He's always down for a night out with the girls and probably has better dance moves than you. You love him dearly and are planning your synchronized dance routine to "Poker Face" as you read this.
If you end up here you feel like the captain of all things random. Don't get me wrong, I love Thursday night karaoke as much as the next girl, but if you're the friend who only wants to go there, you probably are often outvoted. Jackie's is the unexpected guy you never notice, who becomes a staple without even trying. Like a safety date or a "if you're 30 and I'm 30" kinda deal, he may not be your first choice, but he'll always be waiting in the wings.
Egan's is the equivalent of the motorcycle bad boy you dated for like a month. An experience for sure.
If you're like me, you thought The Booth was just a pop-up stand on frat lawns on gameday, not an actual place. The Booth is classic, yet aloof and somewhat hidden down a side street. Being that it's relatively small, it reminds me of the guy who is a little too cool for school, thinks he's better than you, and probably stands you up for a date or two but you just can't let him go.
If Moe's were a guy, he'd be the foodie that you date who takes you on epic dates. This is because the food there rocks and it's always a good time. Famous for their Bushwacker drink (which is a glorified milkshake), Moe's is the guy you broke up with and you missed the incredible dates he took you on more than you missed him.
Innis is the best place in town to watch a football game and fill up on your favorite bar food! If Innis was a guy he'd be the guy who loved you but loved sports just a little more. Well, a lot more. He was late to numerous dates because of games going into overtime and dragged you to countless sporting events as "dates". Putting out Cool Ranch Doritos and Mozzerella Sticks for him and his friends while they watched games on Sundays became your part time job for this chapter of your life. If you were together at Christmas you got the apparel of his favorite team as your gift. You weren't shocked when he asked you to be a referee while he was a basketball player for Halloween. He has a bobblehead of his favorite player on his desk at work (which is undeniably the reason he hasn't been promoted yet) and he forgot your birthday because he was busy making his Fantasy Football Draft. He's working on his beer gut as we speak.
I know this isn't a bar but it is part of the night life of Alabama. Admit it, Messy Fries have saved your soul at least once at 3 a.m.. When your crush left you on read, the DJ never played your favorite song, and no one venmoed you back for the Uber, they were there for you. This is the equivalent of the guy who walks you home. You'll probably friendzone him and he's picked you up from the airport at least one time.
Gallette's is the guy you marry (maybe you'll serve Yellowhammers at your wedding). He's the one worth waiting for and your family loves him too. His family has the CUTEST traditions. Gallette's is the long awaited bar for real, full-fledged twenty one year olds, and I imagine going there on my sign night and feeling the same level of excitement (if not more) than I will feel walking down the aisle one day.
Remember to drink and date responsibly!