I'm training at one of my school's cafes to become a real, live barista. No longer are they a mystery to me, with their extensive knowledge of coffee varieties and flavor shot compatibilities. Now, I haven't quite mastered the trade yet* (*I accidentally turned milk from a liquid to a very foul-smelling solid in under 30 seconds...if that isn't a sign of borderline incompetence, I don't know what is), but I've definitely gained a lot of knowledge about being a barista.
For example, do you know that you have to empty all the air out of whipped cream cans before you throw them away or else they EXPLODE? Or that matcha is $125 for a teeny bag? Do you know how to give a perfectly sympathetic look to the engineering student who just ordered four shots of espresso?
I've also learned that people are weirdly defensive about their drinks. They'll apologize if they need soy milk or if they want sugar-free syrup. Every time they do this, I try to wipe that sheepish look on their face by happily saying, "Sure! No problem!" I asked a couple of friends about this, and they summarized that the entire human race doesn't want to piss off baristas with difficult orders because they can feel their scathing judgments.
Don't get me wrong, I love bestowing scathing judgments. Just not for the stuff you'd think.
Without further ado, here is a comparison of the things your barista TOTALLY JUDGES YOU for and the things they simply couldn't care less about.
NO JUDGMENT:
Ordering a "skinny latte", a sugar-free concoction, or any other low-cal beverage. Maybe you have dietary restrictions. Maybe you just think sugar-free vanilla flavoring is the bomb. Maybe you just ate 6000 calories at Big Ten Burrito and are trying to avoid further damage. I don't care. Reaching for the skim milk takes the same amount of effort as grabbing the whole milk. I pump the sugar-free syrup just as enthusiastically as I do the regular kind. Drink what you want.
A LOT OF JUDGMENT:
Wandering far, far away. The fact that you're all the way across the library when I yell out your name means that you won't hear me, which means your drink will be lonely and will get cold, and you'll get annoyed.
NO JUDGMENT:
Ordering a drink whose alternative name could be "Diabetes Incarnate." There's no need to justify the fact that you're about to ingest five pumps of white chocolate. I'm a human, and I understand that basic human need of needing to drown your sorrows in a cafe blanco the size of a car battery. We've all been there, we will all be there again. Again, drink what you want.
A LOT OF JUDGMENT:
Scooping up freebies. Your drink wasn't good when you came in two weeks ago, and now you want us to remake it? That conversation would've been more productive had it happened...two weeks ago... But I'll make you your drink to keep you happy, just know I'm burning holes through your skull with my eyes.
NO JUDGMENT:
Ordering your kid a drink. I don't see a ton of kids in the library, but a few will come through with your parents. "I don't normally let her have hot chocolate..." you say. But it's fine if you do because the occasional cup of hot chocolate is a sign of a healthy childhood. No one is going to think you're a bad mom if you let Timmy have a hot chocolate. I mean, if you were encouraging him to guzzle red eyes at the tender age of 6, then that's a different story. But don't worry. Soon he'll be a college student and he'll remember you fondly as a good mom, and he'll miss the fact that you're buying it for him.
A LOT OF JUDGMENT:
Responding to my "Hi, how are you doing today?" with "Medium latte." I didn't know "medium latte" was an emotion or a quality of life. It's been said by philosophers in ancient times that basic human decency tastes -even better- than medium lattes.
NO JUDGMENT:
Getting some tea because you're feeling under the weather. It's winter; it's Michigan. Tea is the perfect solution for sniffles. You don't have to apologize for being sick and ordering, so long as you don't...
A LOT OF JUDGMENT:
Contaminate me with your germs. Here's a horrible scene for you:
Me: "Hi! How are you doing today?"
Sneezing, Terrible Human: *sneezes, doesn't cover mouth, shoots disgusting sneeze goo throughout a tri-county radius* "Sick."
Me: *internally dies*
With each latte I make, each espresso shot I pull, I'm learning more and more about the beautiful, caffeinated life force that sustains many a college student, as well as the inner workings of their brains, as they calculate whether or not I'll judge their order.
I won't.
But, if you sneeze on me or forget to be kind, you bet your sweet mocha I will.
