You know those little pieces of hair draped across your forehead? Sometimes they cut right across, other times they swoop to one side or the other. In America, they are called bangs. In the United Kingdom and other places, they are called fringe. In my mind, they are called, simply, the worst. Now, one of my very dearest friends is considering chopping her hair off to get those cute little pieces of hair on her face, as she has done in the past. Here are my humble opinions, from one chump to another, about why that is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad idea.
1. They only look good for about ten seconds.
Seriously. You get them styled in the salon and think, "Woah, baby, I look good." As soon as you leave, a gust of wind comes along, shuffles them up a bit, and they never look that good again. Beware.
2. They cooperate about as well as a toddler at nap time.
You want to have them either cover your full forehead (which they certainly do not want to do) or sweep perfectly over your forehead and to the side like Ariel's hair as she majestically arches her back on that rock for the Part of Your World reprise (which they absolutely are not about to do). If, once in a blue moon, they do exactly what you want them to, suddenly it's like the skies have opened up and you wonder where the angels are to sing your sweet victory.
When the angel choir doesn't show, you have to take a billion selfies to prove it happened. Then you go outside, where the good hair day is sure to be destroyed by our old pal Mother Nature. It seems like a lot of effort to me. Why put yourself through that? Don't get bangs.
3. They last for about ten years.
I don't know if it's just me and my snail-paced hair growth abilities, but my bangs take forever to grow out. I cut mine to eyebrow length a year and five months ago, trimmed them slightly one time since then, and there are strands that still do not go all the way behind my ear as I type this today. If you get bangs, be prepared to have those bangs. Forever.
4. They obstruct your vision.
When you have that side bang swag, especially, it seems that they are just always in the way. I can't look down without a chunk of blonde mess blocking my right eye. This could disrupt my test-taking ability, my driving, and my life altogether, really. Sia is really cool, but to her hair I say NO THANK YOU.
5. They fall out of your ponytail.
Bangs are anti-conformists. They are not about to go up into that hair tie with the rest of everybody else, so don't even bother.
6. You need to have bobby pins, or something else to keep them back, all the time or else suffer the consequences.
While I don't go to the gym, I imagine some people do and want their hair back for it. I need to have my hair back for shows a lot, so I call on bobby pins. Bobby pins are also the worst. I find them in couch cushions, under furniture, on my shower shelf, nightstand, sink, pillow... They are everywhere. They follow me, I am telling you. Don't let them rule your life. Boycott bobby pins. Boycott bangs.
7. But after all, I suppose there are times when you look pretty flawless.
Or should I say... fabulous?
So you know what? If you can put up with all the annoyance of bangs, I'm sure you can work it. Even if I couldn't. You do you, boo.
Now please enjoy this photo of me, featuring not only bangs but also the shortest hair I've ever had in my life.
