Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

I came to college thinking you were going to be the "bomb.com" as the kids say these days. I will say that I agreed for a brief, brief period of time. However, then came my worst nightmare, but we will get to that in a minute.

I grew up never having gone to a Dunkin' Donuts. The closest one to me is 40 minutes away. This trek was not worth it even before I had tasted a single Dunkin' product, and it is especially not worth it now that I have. I grew up familiar with Tim Hortons (Timmy Hoes) and Starbucks (Starbs, if you are my obnoxious roommate). I was perfectly content with these two options for my dosage of caffeine, but, once I moved to Northern Ohio for college, I decided to give Dunkin' a try.

My first couple of trips to your establishment were not terrible, and it is here that I would like to say that it isn't your coffee or your donuts that I hate. The donuts are, well... I mean they're donuts. They're hard to mess up. Then, the coffee is coffee. It tastes okay as long as you order the right thing off the menu most of the time. My problem stems mostly from three poor experiences I have had at the same Dunkin' storefront.

Now, some may argue this is my problem. Perhaps, I should just go to a different Dunkin' Donuts. However, just like in my hometown, my college's campus has a Starbucks as well and a Biggby Coffee a small walk away. I do not feel the need to go out of my way to seek out another Dunkin'. Instead, I am going to write this petty letter to you for comedic effect and then be on my way to a different establishment.

Because, while Starbucks coffee has a reputation for being burnt and Biggby coffee is blocks away, I have never had either of the things I am about to describe happen to me at any of their establishments.

And it is these two things that make up my nightmare:

1. Dunkin' Donuts (at least the one I have been to) doesn't put your name on your cup

2. SO PEOPLE CAN EASILY STEAL YOUR COFFEE. AND THEY HAVE STOLEN MINE.

So, let me tell you a quick story. I went into the Dunkin' Donuts on my college campus with a few of my roommates. We waited in the long line of late morning coffee-drinkers and ordered all of our usuals. At this point, I had been to your establishment a few times. However, my usual order for almost any coffee place I go to is an iced vanilla latte because I have always thought that it was difficult to mess up.

Or so I thought.

I ordered my drink and went to the other end of the counter to wait on it. All my roommates get their drinks, and we are just waiting on mine. We are standing in a jumbled up group of grumpy college students and the barista calls out, "Iced vanilla latte!" and slides the drink onto the counter. I step forward to try and reach for the drink I knew was mine. I had been keeping track of all the people ahead of us so that I would know not to steal anyone else's order. However, as I went to grab my order some other girl snatched it from my grasp. Well.. not really. She just took it before I had the chance.

But, this made my frustrations grow an astronomical amount. Therefore, this was strike one, Dunkin'.

Strike two came immediately after this though. As I fumed, watching this girl take a sip of my drink, I heard her say, "Ew!" My heart dropped as I watched her proceed towards the trash can... no. NO. NO!

She threw away my drink after a single sip. Strike effing two, Dunkin'.

I quickly realized that the reason this girl reacted in this way was that she ordered an iced vanilla coffee NOT an iced vanilla latte. They taste a lot different since one is made with regular coffee and the other is espresso shots. My espresso shots that were now in the garbage. I figured this out because right after my coffee was put up an iced vanilla coffee was slid onto the counter and NO ONE CLAIMED IT (the coffee-thief ad left at this point in frustration).

Luckily, I left that day with a new iced vanilla latte that I kindly asked one of the baristas to make for me.

But then, Dunkin', came strike three, no matter how petty.

I was already done with you, but then I went to your establishment for one last, good ole try with a friend of mine after class. I ordered my iced vanilla latte. I waited for my latte. I got my latte, and my friend and I thought we were both in the clear.

Wrong.

Right as we stepped outside and each tried our coffee, we got a mouthful of what felt like pure vanilla extract. This was coffee syrup, not coffee.

So, naturally, since I am who I am, I walked calmly back to my dorm room. I even tried sipping it a few more times but the sugar was starting to make me sick. As I entered my room, I decided to follow suit with that coffee-thief from weeks earlier.

So, I marched into my bathroom, poured the coffee into my toilet, dropped the cup in the trash, and flushed away my brief affair with Dunkin' Donuts. Because that, my dear Dunkin', was strike three.

Yes, I know this is ridiculous. Yes, I know this is dramatic. But, it doesn't matter, because we are through, Dunkin' Donuts.

Sincerely,

A petty ex-customer

P.S. If you take anything away from this letter, let it be this: PUT OUR NAMES ON THE DAMN CUPS.