I genuinely believe that I take the "Bachelor in Paradise" more seriously than I take my own pathetic life. I dedicate three hours a week to this blessed show and I am truly not ashamed at how involved I get while watching it. But this most recent episode I was disturbed beyond belief, and I lost most of my faith in humanity as a whole for how weird and terrible humans can be.

To begin, Izzy just stop. Just god damn stop. You were eliminated the first night on your season of the Bachelor, and to be quite honest I am over you trying to center the show on you. I'M OFFENDED AND DISTURBED. Also, not sure why this had to be the most intense breakup I have ever witnessed, but it is just simply not the right place or the right time for any of these tears.

Not sure why Izzy is fake crying and acting like she cares about Vinny when she was getting a gross sexual vibe watching the boy she liked across the beach. Oh, and did I mention that she ended things with him because she saw a hot boy? I am going to be honest and a little rude, so close your eyes. Izzy would not get that boy in a million years, not even if he was blind, deaf, and had no mouth. Sorry but it is the truth. So yeah Vinny left, and Izzy better board her house up because his mom is coming after her with a stick of salami.

Jade and Tanner come, the couple who apparently fell in love in the long span of 2 months which is unrealistic and wrong, but I can’t find love in 19 years so who am I to judge. I was not excited when they walked out, I was actually as underwhelmed as I am when a distant acquaintance tells me that she got a B on her quiz. They were there to hand out a date card which is just stupid and I am currently emailing Chris Harrison telling him to stop with everything he does.

Shocker that they give the date card to Caila and Jared, giving the producers hope that Ashley will run into the ocean and drown herself to add more drama to this bleak episode. I have never witnessed a girl like a guy less in my entire life. She literally only likes him because he is hot but she probably does not even think that, but I do. Overall it was just a really weird date. Every time Jared wants to look at Caila he’s like “I really wanna look at you right now, can I?” Grow a pair and stop being the way that you are.

Then there is Carly and Evans date and I literally died. It was so uncomfortable and awkward and everything wrong with the world. They both went into this sketchy cave where they both sweat so hard I vomited on the screen and could not hold it inside of my vessel. Not sure why Carly acts like she likes Evan as much as she leads on…like we know you think he is a gross erectile dysfunction expert, but yeah keep acting like he is giving you a “lady boner.” Interested to find out her intentions in the end, since she will walk out of paradise with no love, no job, no happiness, and no future. You can just tell that she is as attracted to him as she is to her step- grandfather.

If you aren’t happy that Ashley I. came back then you do not know good entertainment, truly. She is that girl in your friend group that always comes to everything, but no one really wants her there, but she brings the drinks so you love her in that moment. She keeps wining about how watching Jared and Caila together makes her sick, but she got voted off 16 hours before and made a fool of herself by forcibly inserting herself back into paradise, and Jared wanted to die. In Ashley’s defense, Caila is way too happy, and you know when people smile 24/7 then they are clinically insane.

I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot wait for next weeks episode, because watching 35 year old men cry and act like 18 year olds in classic entertainment in my book.