Not everyone wants to settle down. So many of my friends want to travel before they marry, be successful before they have children, be free-spirited before tied-down. Not me. I have two dreams: to be a teacher and to be a mom. Teaching is my career; mothering my vocation. I have always known that I am meant to be a mother. There is no soul-searching needed for me to realize that all I want in life is to hold a baby in my arms, knowing that my child is loved and cared for. By me.
I do not need to think about the weighted choice of being a mother. There are no pros and cons, no lists of things that I want to do or accomplish before I spend my early mornings comforting a crying baby. I do not just think that babies are cute. I think babies are lovable, handfuls, and all my own. I want to spend my time raising my child. I sit in mass, looking at all of the little ones around me. I want to hold them. I want to make their faces light up, to hear gurgling noises as they smile and giggle. I want to bounce them into happiness when they are crying. I want to hold them so badly.
There is nothing worse than being an upcoming sophomore in college and wanting a baby. There is so much college to get through before I can think about being married. My friends and I have been talking about how it is more common now for people to wait until they're older to settle down and have kids. I just can't imagine myself doing that. I do not believe that I would be fulfilling my life if I did not have a little human being crawling through my house, attempting to get into cupboards.
On a Friday night, while my friends and I waited through the hour long wait at Taylor Grocery, we drove through the area surrounding the restaurant. We found ourselves in a neighborhood. The grass was bright and recently cut, the shutters and doors painted inviting hues of blue and yellow. The aesthetic of suburban families drifted into the car. I was emotionally affected by this neighborhood. I envisioned myself raising a family there: spending Saturday mornings running through the grass chasing my kids, pulling out of the driveway headed to school, laying in the grass content about the life I was living. I almost cried.
It is hard to be patient when I know so clearly what I want. I want a baby in my arms, I want love in my life, I want to walk barefoot in the grass knowing that I am raising a family. I want to be a mother. There is nothing I want more. I want human connection, I want wailing, I want late nights rocking my children to bed. Kids are messy. Kids are a handful. But I want to always deal with it. I want it to be my life.
As a sophomore in college, I realize that I am not in a position to have children. I do not have enough time to handle a dog, let alone give my life over to having a family. I understand that. I will wait until I am graduated and have a steady career. I just do not think that I can wait much longer than that. Maybe my life won't head down this path. Maybe I will be 30 before I am having kids. I think I would be able to accept that. However, I believe I was created to be a mother. Someday I will be one.
