My Awful Movie Streak
Entertainment

My Awful Movie Streak

Movies to avoid.

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In the past year (starting from around October of 2015 to the present), all I have seen are horrendous movies, and most of them were of the horror genre and on Netflix. I have not had a streak like this before, and it makes me wonder what kind of motivation that people have when making these atrocious movies. A lot of them have potential for greatness, but something gets screwed up along the way. A few of these movies I saw in theaters, but there's still no excuse for the level of horribleness that these movies fall on.

1. "The Last Witch Hunter"

There are many reasons one should not view this movie, and my main reason was the time frame that was presented. The protagonist was made immortal and forced to serve out his remaining days destroying witches. The beginning of the film was perfect because Vin Diesel was portrayed as a kind of Viking that was defending his beloved ones, then the scene switches and you see him dressed in a suit in modern day New York, or wherever the movie was based. It was crap. The suit was not working for his character. The plot could have surrounded his advance on the witch nest during his viking days instead of focusing on a modern-day plot to take over the world. There was so much potential and it was thrown away because the directors and producers wanted to make it modern. What's wrong with telling the story from a different time period? Not everything has to involve a smart phone and WiFi.

2. "Spectre"

I'm not a Bond fan, by any means. I went to see this film with my partner and it was probably one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The best part of the movie was the opening credits when "Writings on the Wall" was playing. I cannot give any credit to this film because it was all over the place and the villain was nothing special. He wanted to get back at Bond for what happened between them years ago; big fucking deal. Bond didn't even kill him at the end when he had the opportunity. I'm pretty sure that if someone was stalking me, trying to destroy my life, and make me pay for something I did, I wouldn't just let the police arrest them, especially after they stuck needles into the temple of my forehead.

3. "Krampus"

I can't even with this movie. It was total shit! Don't even fathom the thought of seeing this movie because it is not worth it at all. I watched reviews after seeing it, and I have to agree with the critic that said the movie should have been called "Krampus and his Minions." Throughout the entire movie, Krampus is shown maybe three times. The movie is about him, but we hardly ever see him at work. We see evil teddy bears and gingerbread men trying to take down humans for Krampus. I'm pretty sure that a human can take down a sugary treat, and as for the teddy bear, just burn it in the fire. Now there were other minions that could not be as easily defeated, but that's because they were actually something to be feared, like that jack-in-the-box that had some sharp teeth. I wouldn't fuck with that thing. I wouldn't have even ventured into the attic to check out the weird sounds that were being made: "Oh, the kids went up there? Oh, well. They shouldn't have been stupid in this horror movie situation." Another aspect of this movie that really infuriated me was the level of stupid these kids were on. The one kid saw the gingerbread man hanging on a chain in the fireplace and tried to eat it. What the fuck was he thinking? Who is that stupid? "The fire is out and this chain dropped down with a sugar snack on it. Let me get that." That kid deserved his fate because he was f****** stupid. He was old enough to understand that something was wrong with that scenario and he went ahead and did what he did. As for those other female cousins of the protagonist, they would've gotten their asses beat for acting the way that they did. I would've yanked them up from the table, took them into the kitchen, and spanked them with a wooden spoon for bullying a younger kid who believed in Santa. I was outraged that none of the parental figures did anything to stop the bullying that was taking place at the dinner table. What parent stands by and watches other kids bully their own or watches their kids bully another? The only decent scene in this movie was when the teenage girl gets attacked by Krampus at the beginning. Everything went downhill from there.

4. "Batman vs. Superman"

Oh, this movie. It doesn't even deserve my review. The magnitude of awfulness cannot fully be described. It would take days to explain why everything was horrible in this movie. I'm going to start with Batman though. I love Batman and the universe that he exists in because it is so dark. Batman is my favorite superhero and this movie f***** him up beyond repair. I was infuriated throughout the entire movie. If I wouldn't have disturbed others in the theater, I would have screamed at the screen and used exasperated hand gestures the entire time. Batman was using guns in this movie, and, in case you didn't know, Batman doesn't use guns! He doesn't kill! It's not who he is! It's not what he stands for!

He was also vengeful throughout the entire movie, directing his anger at Superman. I get that he thought Superman was hurting the world, but his attempt to kill Superman was wasted energy on top of the anger that was exerted from him. The villains were Lex Luthor and Doomsday, not Superman.

I honestly don't have a lot to say about Superman because I don't like Superman. The one thing that enraged me the most about him in this movie was when Lex Luthor kidnaps his mother, Martha, and Superman shouts: "Where is she?"

*Exasperated hand gestures* That is Batman's line from the Nolan Trilogy. I don't know what the director was thinking when they included that in this movie. If they were trying to outdo Nolan, they did a horrible job trying, and if they were trying to make this movie similar to Nolan's, they still did a horrible job; they weren't anywhere close to succeeding.

Lex Luthor was also a problem. He was the love child of the Riddler and the Joker. He was constantly asking trivial questions, then providing the answer in a serious tone. That is not who Lex Luthor is.

And why didn't someone question his motives for wanting access to the alien ship and Zod's body? Someone should've questioned that shit. If they had, New York and Gotham may not have been blown to hell, or at least not as badly as it was after Doomsday was created. And what was with the ship asking if Lex Luthor wanted to take control? No, no, no, it should've just stayed quiet because he was a psycho. Why didn't anyone notice the damn thing turning on? Aghh! There was also another knockoff from the Nolan trilogy concerning Lex Luthor, which was when he pushed Lois off the top of a building. Joker does the same thing in "The Dark Knight" with Rachel. Batman saves Rachel, and Superman saves Lois. Again, they aren't defeating Nolan, by any means. Did they honestly think DC fans wouldn't notice the errors? They just lost a majority of the fan basis for that crap that they called a movie. My last comment is about the people who applauded after the movie was over. True fans didn't clap. I don't know what was wrong with y'all because that movie was total shit!

5. "The Hole"

My rant for this particular movie is not as long as the previous rant. This movie had a little bit of potential since the concept was interesting. The spot where the movie turned sour was when the protagonists venture into the hole to retrieve another character who was taken hostage. The hole was a portal to a dream world, which was horrible. The entire movie, the audience is led to believe that some sinister creature resided in the hole, and then we find out its another world that was unimpressive. It's not worth the time to view because of the ending.

6. "The Haunting"

I wish that the director had stuck to the novel, "The Haunting of Hill House." The novel was amazing and there was no need to mess with it. I debated watching this movie because of my love for the novel, and it was a tough decision because Liam Neeson starred in the film. He is one of my favorite actors and I was so disappointed because of this movie. The characters' names were changed, in which one character says that people use a nickname for her, which isn't true. Her nickname develops during her time in Hill House, not beforehand. Their purpose for being in the house was also tweaked, which dealt with the characters being insomniacs in the film. They weren't insomniacs in the novel; they were chosen by Dr. Montague because they each possessed a paranormal ability. A big concept in the novel was that the house would never allow doors to stay open and in the film the doors are constantly opened. All of the special effects that exist in this film are unnecessary and do not relate back to the novel. The novel was frightening on its own. There was no need for anything to be added in. Too many jump scares ruin the movie. If you love Shirley Jackson's novel, don't watch this movie. You will rant the entire span of the film.

7. "The Den"

This movie was so unrealistic and stupid; a college girl is approved for a grant to talk to strangers in an online chat room. What collegiate program is going to approve something of this nature?...none. After being approved, the female protagonist begins chatting with strangers who have weird sexual motives; every man she came across showed her his penis. After going through odd numbers of people, she witnesses a murder, which law enforcement can't do anything about because of the medium in which she witnessed the murder. The killers begin stalking her, hacking her laptop, threatening and killing her friends and family, and eventually killing her as well. This movie was only an hour long, an hour that I wish I hadn't spent watching this crap that was deemed a movie.

8. "Mojave"

This movie had an interesting concept and was decent at the beginning. The one aspect of this movie that ruined it for me was when the antagonist changed looks. He went from this rugged look to this sharp, suit-wearing look that diminished his malice. He became less villainous as the movie progressed. Another aspect that bothered me was Mark Wahlberg. His Boston accent gets on my nerves to unfathomable degrees. The character he portrayed was a throw away character that held zero significance to the plot. He gets murdered, but it does nothing to progress the plot at all. He was annoying and a waste of story line time.

9. "The Harvest"

This movie's title seemed misguided since there isn't any relation to harvesting anything. The concept of the movie was interesting: the parents of a terminally ill child kidnap a baby and raise him so that he can provide organs to their biological son. The kidnapped child becomes friends with a young female neighbor, who attempts to save him from his horrible fate. The ending seemed a bit rushed: the father sets fire to the house after helping the kidnapped child escape. He and his biological son die in the fire while the mother dies from trying to save them; a burning beam falls on top of her. The kidnapped child is shown playing baseball in the next scene, which is a bit rushed because the viewer has no idea what his living situation is and how he healed that quickly after being bedridden his entire life.

10. "Tree House"

This movie was horrible as well. The only time anyone is in a tree house is when two brothers are trekking through the woods and stumble upon an abandoned structure. They find a girl who is being hunted by something that appears to be supernatural, but is later revealed as three men (brothers, presumably) that have a taste for killing everything. The structure that two people are hiding in is only present in the movie for maybe 30 minutes. The rest of the time is spent in the woods trying to get somewhere safe. The two teens end up at the killers' house. How convenient, right? "Let's just go into some random house in the middle of nowhere and hope that these people will help us." It was ridiculous. The ending was rage inducing because the two protagonists decide to murder the main killer after taking two of them down and then the movie ends. No one knows if they get the guy or how they go about doing so. It was such a horrible method for ending a horror movie. I hope they aren't planning on making a sequel because it's not even worth the time and money. No one should be subjected to this crap, let alone a possible sequel.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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