"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9
Lets be honest, we like to be in control. We like to wake up at a certain time, eat at a certain time, know what we're going to do through the day the very minute we get out of bed. If something doesn't go our way, there's traffic on I-35, there's a huge line for lunch, there's rain when the weather man specifically said it was not going to rain and we have to cancel our plans, we blame it on someone else. Why? Because we're controlling. We have made our lives all about us, we have written the book for our future in advance, that this is the way it's supposed to go, and if it doesn't, we won't have any of it. It's the way we live, and have lived. It's the lies we tell ourselves. The world revolves around us, and we control it, and it's something that I've struggled with.
Over the past year, I learned the hard way that my plans, the future I have lined up for myself, isn't exactly the one that God has for me. November of last year, I was accepted into a great theatre program at a university that I was in love with, in a place that I would call home. I believed that this was God's answer to the prayer I had been longing for him to answer, where was I supposed to be going, what was I supposed to be doing, and who was I supposed to be meeting. In January, my family and I found out that it would not be possible for me to attend this university, and that the search for my future would have to continue. I was heartbroken, confused, and angry. I didn't want to talk about college, and I didn't talk about college until May. In May, a few days before registration, I decided to go to the University of Mary Hardin Baylor, a school I had no interest in attending, a school without a theatre program, a school that was 30 minutes away from my home town of Waco, Texas. My brother went there, my dad worked there, I had lived the past several years in Crusader t-shirts. But, I began the journey of humbling myself, and following after God's will for my life, not my own. I have started to love the campus, love the people, and pray for God's will to be clear to me.
There are many of us that have struggled with understanding who exactly is in charge of our lives. That it isn't all about us. My example is not like my friend's, it isn't like my brother's, it isn't like my professor's. But I hope that we have all had these moments of understanding, that our life is not just our own, that there is a bigger picture that we cannot yet see. Sometimes, heartbreak is the only way that we can open our eyes and pursue after God's will, that confusion is the only way we can have a clear mind to humble ourselves and to get off our pedestals so we can put God on it.
"God you are the author. Me? I'm just the one with the pen and paper."
I wrote these words in the midst of my confusion in a poem that I shared with my youth group. As soon as the words left my mouth, my heart raced, because I knew the words were right, and the way that I was living was wrong. The words continue, "God you are the author. Me? I'm just the one with the pen and paper so show me what to say. You are the master, I , your servant so take me to any place. Lead me to unstill waters and I will sing Amazing Grace." For he is holy, he is great, he is awesome, even when I'm hurting, confused, lonely, anxious, or heartbroken. I read these words often to remind myself that if something doesn't go the way I planned, it's only one paint stroke in the painting.
In the middle of heartbreak, chaos, and anger, let's take a moment to remember that God is in control. When something doesn't go our way, let's sing "Thy Will Be Done", and when we're stuck in traffic on I-35, let's take a moment and pray that God will show us his will for our future, for our day, for our lives, and let's turn up the music to K-LOV or Air 1 and sing for the only one who deserves our praise, the one on the pedestal.
