I recently took a trip on a pointy tin can, hurtling through the atmosphere 30,000 feet above Cincinnati, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Northern Georgia, landing (remarkably) at the A terminal of the Atlanta International Airport, the busiest airport in the world. I had never flown before, and boy were my arms tired...from constantly adjusting myself on a seat with impossibly little leg room for a guy with 3-foot femurs.
Rehashed jokes aside, having not flown before, I was surprised to find that the most unnerving part of my journey was actually getting through security without being strip searched because my wallet looked suspicious. I expected my nerves to kick in once I reached my seat, especially with scenes from “Final Destination,” “Flight of the Phoenix” and “Airplane!” running through my head. The plane wasn’t the shiny, new jet airliner I had seen in film and television; it was more like the crashed-on-a-deserted-island or come-on-William-H-Macy-we-have-to-get-out-of-Jurassic-Park-now kind of plane I had seen in film and television, complete with janky-ass cockpit windows and sheet metal patchwork on the wings, above which my seat and corresponding window sat.
Nevertheless, despite the sight that will forever be etched in my mind of a wing bouncing in the turbulence, I was never once nervous about the flight, thanks in part to the assorted “Airplane!” quotes, lines from Weird Al’s “Albuquerque,” and Louis C.K. bits naturally running through my head. Yes, I was fearless while being served my airline pretzels. Navigating the Atlanta airport, however? That’s a different story.
As I mentioned, it is the busiest airport in the world, and naturally one of the largest as well. It is also the hub for Delta Airlines, which made headlines in recent weeks. So of course, there were a lot of people
So many people.
An unimaginable number of people, who all seemed to know where they were going, and then there was me, the clueless yankee with a backpack and permanently wide eyes searching for baggage claim. I accidentally found the food court (one of many I would later learn), which would have made me very happy had the price not been outrageously hiked. But, despite my obvious lack of familiarity, I made my way up and down several escalators and through a few halls via the automated walkways, like an excited little eggplant waiting to be scanned at the supermarket. Then I finally reached the end of the line where my girlfriend waited, among a crowd of gorgeous Georgians greeting their respective visitors. I felt like a celebrity. It was cool. Yeah.
Anyway, we left the congestion of the airport and fled to the congestion of the city of Atlanta, headed for—and this is where anyone familiar with the city will want to lean toward their screens—The Varsity. Yes, the one and only (except for the other locations around Georgia) Varsity on North Avenue in downtown Atlanta, the largest fast-food drive-in restaurant in the world—popular enough to require its own parking garage. It is also responsible for the most retail sales of Coca-Cola annually of any other single location in the world.
Some might even say it’s the most famous individual restaurant in America—though I would argue Tony Packo’s in Toledo would take the crown. I mean it was featured on “M*A*S*H” for corn’s sake. Yeah, most people of this generation don’t know what “M*A*S*H” is. It’s a TV show! Look it up! But still, was The Varsity ever featured on a TV show? Okay, I guess it was shown in the movie “We Are Marshall,” but who even remembers that film? Marshall fans, maybe. People in West Virginia, probably. Matthew McConaughey. The point is Tony Packo’s wins. Holy sine over cosine, Batman. #mathjokes Now, back to the show:
It was intimidating, to say the least. Especially being the socially awkward, indecisive, slow-talking, white boy in a world of fast-service, unique lingo (complete with a jargon cheat-sheet posted as you walk in), and a front line of cashiers shouting “Whaddy have? Whaddy have?” to their unsuspecting victims. I had my girlfriend order for me while I cowered in the corner waiting for someone to spoon-feed me a chili dog.
After that debacle, I decided I wanted to experience the quieter side of Hotlanta, so over the weekend we visited a nice place called Little Five Points. It was sort of like Yellow Springs but dirtier. For those of you who don’t know Yellow Springs, it was kind of like a small town wrapped in an inner city shell, with small businesses, record stores, thrift shops, coffee houses, etc. I found a used Marc Maron CD there for cheap, so that was probably the highlight of my trip.
Do you like Coke? Notice the capitalization. Then you’d love the World of Coca-Cola museum, given you like learning the history of America’s most beloved fizzy drink. There’s plenty to learn there, so much that my girlfriend remarked that I would be the first person to read everything at the museum. What can I say? I like knowledge.
So what do I tell an Ohioan who’s never been to Georgia, or the south for that matter? I never knew there were so many trees in the world. I just assumed every road that wasn’t metropolitan or residential was lined with corn or bean fields. My mistake I guess. Well that’s about all I can say about the great city of Atlan’a (the proper pronunciation). I better go take an antacid. Have a nice day.
