You are valid.
In a world that is greatly centered around sex, it’s easy for asexuals to feel wrong. We are constantly fed the idea that physical love — kissing, sex — is the ultimate show of affection. But for those who don’t feel physical attraction, for those who simply don’t want sex, we’re left to feel broken and sick. Identifying as asexual may seem like you’re cutting off your common connection to the rest of our sex-driven society; yet, I’ve found that realizing your identity as an asexual is welcoming yourself to a community of like-minded individuals who grant each other the validation society seems to deny them: You are valid.
It’s okay to not be interested in sex — physical affection is not the only way to show others you love them. Platonic love between friends is just as important as a more intimate relationship with a significant other. There is no one way to love — you can be a virgin and still be in a loving, supportive relationship. You are valid.
Although, not all asexuals are virgins — it’s okay to have had sex in the past and still identify as asexual. And hey, it’s okay to be in a sexually active relationship and still identify as asexual — lack of physical attraction doesn’t mean you can’t have sex. Or, maybe you’re demisexual (an identity still lying on the ace-spectrum) and only feel physical attraction towards certain, close people — it’s okay. Guess what: You are still valid.
It is possible to be in a relationship and be asexual; not only that, but it’s possible to be in a relationship with a non-asexual and still be fine. Any relationship requires understanding and communication — like I said, there is more than one way to love each other. A relationship between an asexual and a non-asexual is just as true as any other partnership — it requires compromise, patience and trust, just like every relationship. You are still valid.
You are allowed to question yourself. It’s the only way we can grow as humans. Our identities are fluid and dynamic, changing as we learn more about ourselves. Identities are not set in stone. So, say you identify as asexual, but you’re not quite sure how well that fits you. You feel asexual, you are comfortable identifying as asexual, you know you fit somewhere on the ace-spectrum, but you’re not sure how — you haven’t found the word to describe your sexuality. The spectrum of asexuality is broad and still expanding, it’s okay that you’re not sure how to define your feelings just yet. You are still valid.
It is when others question your identity that things get frustrating, to say the least. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t care what others think, yet we can’t help but listen. We let the nay-sayers’ words get to us, even though we try to remain strong in ourselves — you know who you are, so why should someone’s disbelief matter to you? Yet it is only natural to listen when others say, “You are broken,” or, “Everyone wants sex. What’s wrong with you?” The best we can do is stand firm in who we know we are and try to show others that we are valid.
Yet at the end of the day, it’s not that simple. That’s why community is so important. We have to remind each other that being asexual is okay, that it’s okay to question your identity and still be asexual, that it’s okay to display physical affection and still be a legitimate member of the asexual community. Since we don’t hear it enough, it’s up to our fellow members of the asexual community to remind each other, and remind each other often: We are valid.
