The Hardships Of Being An Asexual Woman Of Color

The Hardships Of Being An Asexual Woman Of Color

The personal, racial, spiritual, and societal clashes of being asexual.


One of my biggest struggles with my asexuality is how it fluctuates. One moment anything to do with sex is okay and fascinating, the next moment its extremely triggering.

I feel like growing up as a black cisfemale, I wasn't given many choices with any kind of way to have a healthy relationship with sexuality. It's almost like everyone, no matter what race they were or what religion they followed, was raised to view sex and sexual situations the same. That method didn't work for a great number of people of color, and I feel like my relationship with sex (well, lack of a relationship to it) is part of that.

We were taught that everyone wants sex and everyone gets turned on by something. Blacks, Puerto Ricans, and Mexicans were automatic sex material, but not marriage material. Dress a certain way, do certain things, and hang out with certain crowds, and you get what's coming to you. Boys will be boys so don't lead them on, but don't throw yourself at them, either. You don't want guys thinking your a prude or a slut — because it's social death either way — and who wants to be without friends for support?

On the other hand, don't talk about ANYTHING pertaining to sex. No one has a sex life! That's wrong! That's barbaric! Only boys think of that stuff. Girls are to be good and sweet at all times and only have sex when a guy coerces them into it.

I've written about my assault stories as a child on here before, and I hate repeating myself - so if you want to read that piece to learn my sexual history, it's here. Now because of those experiences, I don't associate anything good with sex. Sex was just what happened when some old horny drunk guy wanted a little girl — by any means necessary. The first time I saw it could be different was in movies and in books.

You know the rated R movies and TV shows that came on starting at 10 pm in the 1990s? I snuck out of my room and watched them religiously. Through those movies, I found out that sex CAN be something that's not traumatizing and not violating. I hoarded love stories in my room and swore Daniel Steel was a long lost sibling of mine since we shared almost identical last names and wrote about love. The common theme I saw in all the media I was drawn to consume was that everyone who was having sex was in love.

This message stayed with me because I could not figure out what sexual attraction was. Others around me described things that happened to them when they were sexually attracted to someone that I thought was gross and TMI.

I've naturally been attracted to the way people look, but its only made me want to know them better and go out on dates together and hold hands. Maybe even kiss. But I've never wanted to see them naked or touch their private parts or have them do any of that stuff to me.

No one I spoke to felt the way I did towards others.

Love was the ingredient I needed to see sexual activity in a favorable light. This also correlated with what I was taught in church and heard in popular music of the day. Love first. Love, love, love. Fall in love.

Sex second. It was the direct opposite of what the rest of society was teaching. Sex, sex, sex. Rape, rape, rape. You have tits so take your clothes off and don't tell anyone. Just do it. It's great.

As the years have gone by and society has dramatically changed, falling in love is now seen as unrealistic and patriarchal and outdated. So my relationship with any kind of sexual activity is completely negative unless I feel like I see love expressed during. Then sex can be a beautiful thing to look at. And there is now language for how I feel towards others and sexuality in general.

We now know that asexuality is a thing, and though a lot of our cultures don't want to acknowledge it, POCs can be asexual. This was a HUGE revelation for me because I really always thought either my assaults damaged me forever and/or that something was wrong with me for not liking anything sexual or wanting anything sexual.

Because of my personal experiences sexual activity, sex is not something I would choose to experience ever again. If I fell in love with someone, if they're not asexual as well, then I'd be okay letting them do sexual things to me.

One day I'd like to achieve a better outlook on sex and sexual activity. I'm tired of the back and forth in my own feelings. I know people HATE absolutes. But dammit, absolutes work for me.

I'm lost when everything is gray. And I dare say that this is a cultural thing as I've met more POCs than not that also don't deal in anything gray area. Either I'm sex-negative or sex-neutral.

One day I'd like to always be in the sex-neutral column. I'm trying to find my way there, but it's VERY difficult to do this alone. I feel like it's me and my feelings/experiences against the rest of the world's ideologies, perceptions/opinions, and experiences.

Me, weird. The world, normal. As much as people claim how much they worship the gray area in everything, they could've fooled me.

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Chick-fil-a's Response To The Orlando Shooting; A Message For Us All

"Chick-fil-a is not a company full of hate but rather one that emulates compassion for all regardless of race or sexual orientation."

On June 12, 2016, a mass shooting terrorist attack took place inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. 49 people died and 53 more were injured in the attack. Our nation continues to mourn the loss of the people killed and we continue to pray for and support those who are recovering physically as well as mentally. Even in the darkest and most confusing times, there are people standing up like shining lights to remind us that evil will always lose in the end. One such group of people are those from Chick-fil-a. Chick-fil-a is a Christian company based in Atlanta, GA that is notorious for keeping its doors closed on Sundays so that it’s employees can spend the day with their families and attend services at their places of worship. However, on June 12, a Chick-fil-a location in Orlando made an exception to their own rule. Some of the employees at the Lee Vista location came in on their day off and cooked up food and made drinks and brought them to the location where people were lined up to donate blood to the victims.

Many companies have donated of their time and resources to help the aftermath of the attack so what makes Chick-fil-a special? There was a call for blood to help the 53 injured and the response was overwhelming, people stood in line for hours to donate to the mostly gay victims. In 2012, Chick-fil-a’s stance on gay marriage was made public. The company holds steadfast in its belief of only traditional marriage between a man and a woman. This sparked outrage with many equal rights activists, protests and boycotts were arranged and it has been unfairly branded “hateful” by many people. But since Chick-fil-a supposedly hates gay people why would it support blood donors whose blood was going to help the mostly gay victims of the attack? Some could argue that it was a publicity stunt even though their efforts were not covered by the media until days later, but what I believe is that they simply wanted to show compassion for people even though they have openly disagreed with their lifestyles.

Yes, Chick-fil-a does not agree with gay marriage but disagreeing with someone’s actions or lifestyle is not analogous with hate. Hate is the conscious decision to act against an individual in a malicious way. Hate is what overcame Omar Mateen and drove him to commit the worst mass shooting in US history. Chick-fil-a’s simple action of bringing free food to blood donors is a message to us all; people will never completely agree with everything that each other does but we can still choose to treat each other with the love and compassion that each person deserves. Gay, straight, transgender, pan-sexual, it does not matter, we are all human. Chick-fil-a is not a company full of hate but rather one that emulates compassion for all regardless of race or sexual orientation. It is okay to disagree but it is not okay to use senseless violence on those whom you disagree with. Chick-fil-a's message of love and compassion for all is something that everyone should take with them wherever they go.

Cover Image Credit: Courtesy: Chick-fil-A of University Blvd at Rouse Road

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Mandatory Fines Target Minorities And Cause Mass Incarceration

I believe if we got rid of the mandatory fines, fewer minorities would be sent to prison and the mass incarceration rate would drop, as well as many recidivism rates.


I believe one of the leading causes of mass incarceration is the continuous cycle of people being unable to pay the penalties and then being put in jail for not paying. In the NPR podcast, called "How Can America Reduce Mass Incarceration?" Judge Victoria Pratt recounts how there were a lot of cases where people were in a downward spiral and suck in the criminal justice system because they were unable to pay the fines. (Fresh Air 2:00). There are other options for these fines, such as community service. However, in many instances, there are mandatory fines that judges cannot touch.

These kinds of penalties disproportionately target people in the lower-middle class and the lower class because there is no option other than to pay the fines. If people in the lower-middle class and the lower pay bracket cannot pay the penalties, they will be sent to jail and add to the prison's population. Unfortunately, this cycle will continue to occur until there are no longer any mandatory fines, which is unlikely to happen since prisons profit off of the prisoners.

Also, there is not just one fine per individual, the courts give each multiple penalties. Pratt claims, "So even on a disorderly persons offense, you would get a fine, maybe, of $100, or no fine, but it's $75 plus that $50 and then $33 court costs. The judge could waive the other fines. But those two they could not waive." (Fresh Air 10:00). This illuminates how even if the judge attempts to help the individual by waiving some of the fines, there are still the mandatory ones which tend to be expensive.

So, no matter what, the judge cannot throw out these, and the individuals are stuck with them because no alternatives are allowed. Therefore, the current system the criminal justice system is using targets minorities, such as the lower class, by enforcing these mandatory fines and incarcerating them if they can not afford them.

So, at what point do we throw away the utilitarian ideals aside and focus on the minority?

To me, I believe the extent to which we should focus on the minority rather than focusing on the greatest good for the most significant number is when individuals are being used as a mere means to the criminal justice's own ends. So, this means that since the criminal justice system is implementing these mandatory fines to target minorities and place them in prison so they can make a profit, which is using these people as a means to their own end. I believe if we got rid of the mandatory fines, fewer minorities would be sent to prison and the mass incarceration rate would drop, as well as many recidivism rates.

Mandatory fines need to have alternatives. Otherwise, the U.S. criminal justice system is going to continue to target specific groups.

The fines directly target minorities, such as people lower class, because they can not afford the fines and end up in jail due to this. It is unjust and immoral to do this to citizens since they are already at a disadvantage and the government is supposed to take care of its people, not make their lives worse,

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