The Hardships Of Being An Asexual Woman Of Color

The Hardships Of Being An Asexual Woman Of Color

The personal, racial, spiritual, and societal clashes of being asexual.


One of my biggest struggles with my asexuality is how it fluctuates. One moment anything to do with sex is okay and fascinating, the next moment its extremely triggering.

I feel like growing up as a black cisfemale, I wasn't given many choices with any kind of way to have a healthy relationship with sexuality. It's almost like everyone, no matter what race they were or what religion they followed, was raised to view sex and sexual situations the same. That method didn't work for a great number of people of color, and I feel like my relationship with sex (well, lack of a relationship to it) is part of that.

We were taught that everyone wants sex and everyone gets turned on by something. Blacks, Puerto Ricans, and Mexicans were automatic sex material, but not marriage material. Dress a certain way, do certain things, and hang out with certain crowds, and you get what's coming to you. Boys will be boys so don't lead them on, but don't throw yourself at them, either. You don't want guys thinking your a prude or a slut — because it's social death either way — and who wants to be without friends for support?

On the other hand, don't talk about ANYTHING pertaining to sex. No one has a sex life! That's wrong! That's barbaric! Only boys think of that stuff. Girls are to be good and sweet at all times and only have sex when a guy coerces them into it.

I've written about my assault stories as a child on here before, and I hate repeating myself - so if you want to read that piece to learn my sexual history, it's here. Now because of those experiences, I don't associate anything good with sex. Sex was just what happened when some old horny drunk guy wanted a little girl — by any means necessary. The first time I saw it could be different was in movies and in books.

You know the rated R movies and TV shows that came on starting at 10 pm in the 1990s? I snuck out of my room and watched them religiously. Through those movies, I found out that sex CAN be something that's not traumatizing and not violating. I hoarded love stories in my room and swore Daniel Steel was a long lost sibling of mine since we shared almost identical last names and wrote about love. The common theme I saw in all the media I was drawn to consume was that everyone who was having sex was in love.

This message stayed with me because I could not figure out what sexual attraction was. Others around me described things that happened to them when they were sexually attracted to someone that I thought was gross and TMI.

I've naturally been attracted to the way people look, but its only made me want to know them better and go out on dates together and hold hands. Maybe even kiss. But I've never wanted to see them naked or touch their private parts or have them do any of that stuff to me.

No one I spoke to felt the way I did towards others.

Love was the ingredient I needed to see sexual activity in a favorable light. This also correlated with what I was taught in church and heard in popular music of the day. Love first. Love, love, love. Fall in love.

Sex second. It was the direct opposite of what the rest of society was teaching. Sex, sex, sex. Rape, rape, rape. You have tits so take your clothes off and don't tell anyone. Just do it. It's great.

As the years have gone by and society has dramatically changed, falling in love is now seen as unrealistic and patriarchal and outdated. So my relationship with any kind of sexual activity is completely negative unless I feel like I see love expressed during. Then sex can be a beautiful thing to look at. And there is now language for how I feel towards others and sexuality in general.

We now know that asexuality is a thing, and though a lot of our cultures don't want to acknowledge it, POCs can be asexual. This was a HUGE revelation for me because I really always thought either my assaults damaged me forever and/or that something was wrong with me for not liking anything sexual or wanting anything sexual.

Because of my personal experiences sexual activity, sex is not something I would choose to experience ever again. If I fell in love with someone, if they're not asexual as well, then I'd be okay letting them do sexual things to me.

One day I'd like to achieve a better outlook on sex and sexual activity. I'm tired of the back and forth in my own feelings. I know people HATE absolutes. But dammit, absolutes work for me.

I'm lost when everything is gray. And I dare say that this is a cultural thing as I've met more POCs than not that also don't deal in anything gray area. Either I'm sex-negative or sex-neutral.

One day I'd like to always be in the sex-neutral column. I'm trying to find my way there, but it's VERY difficult to do this alone. I feel like it's me and my feelings/experiences against the rest of the world's ideologies, perceptions/opinions, and experiences.

Me, weird. The world, normal. As much as people claim how much they worship the gray area in everything, they could've fooled me.

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Whether You Like It Or Not, Folks, There Are Only 2 Genders

You're either a male or female, and that's all there is to it.

Regardless of what your opinion is... there are truly only TWO genders. Male and female, and that's how it has always been. Gender is not any different than sex, and in agreeance with Ben Shapiro "I'm not going to modify basic biology because it threatens your subjunctive sense of what you think you are." Gender is the state of being male or female, and there is no other option.

You are born as a male or as a female and there is no other option. There is no third, fourth, or fifth gender. It does not exist. You shouldn't be able to identify as whatever you please. The set of chromosomes that you are born with, either XX or XY is what dictates your gender. Your gender is determined far before the development of the fetus begins, and that's all there is to it.

With that being said, you cannot wake up one day and decide that you want to be a fish, can you? You cannot decide that you are going to grow scales, breathe underwater, and live as a fish for the rest of your life, can you? Could you legally register yourself as a fish? No, you can not do that. You also can't randomly decide that you want to be 21. You aren't allowed to wake up and say I feel 21 today if your real age is 18, and then go buy alcohol. It should be the same exact way with "gender reassignment."

Gender Dysphoria (which used to be called gender identity disorder, but is now an offensive term) directly correlates with depression and anxiety, which are both mental disorders. Although the two of those are mental disorders, we as a society are not allowed to call Gender Dysphoria a mental disorder. Follow this carefully: according to Daniel Payne, the transgender suicide rate is 40%. A massive part of the population says that this is because of the discrimination against transgenders. You cannot attribute the transgender suicide rate to discrimination because if that was the case, the suicide rate for blacks would be higher than it is due to the amount of discrimination they face. The black suicide rate is lower than the white suicide rate, and that alone destroys Gender Dysphoria not being a mental disorder... this is a prime example of society ignoring facts and the truth while conforming to the trans-society.

While reading on I learned about the names transgender people want to be called and do not want to be called. Some of the terms they want to be called or associated with are a crossdresser, drag king, drag queen, gender dysphoria, gender fluidity, non-binary, genderqueer, intersex, trans, a transgender man, a transgender woman, Ze, Zie, Xe, and (singular) they.

There are also multiple terms that are now considered "offensive" or "outdated," because it's 2017. Some of those terms are gender identity disorder, hermaphrodite, sex change operation, shemale, tranny, and transsexual.

This never affected me in any way, until people started getting upset about what I was calling them (when they clearly look like a male or female but aren't.) This never had an impact on me until a man dressed as a woman who claimed to be transgender went into a woman's bathroom and allegedly sexually assaulted a little girl. This never bothered me until a group of people challenged my freedom of speech, and said that they MUST be referred to as one of the "acceptable" terms. I will not redefine our terms just to please someone who feels like the opposite of what they biologically are.

As Ben Shapiro says, "It's not a matter of being open-minded and accepting..." It's about the truth, and not defying it or sugarcoating it so that a group of men and women can feel more comfortable. We as a society cannot crumble and conform to people trying to change their biological properties because that is when it starts to affect others outside of the trans-society.

Cover Image Credit: Macey Mullins

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How The Rhetoric Of 'White Privilege' Is Used Incorrectly

Social Commentary: Maria Costello


White privilege is a term that has been thrown around in American politics without the right context or consideration for what it means. The most common use of this ambiguous term in modern political conversation is that it acts as a social force that advantages the white community by affording it "perks" that minority races are not afforded. Furthermore, because this force advantages those of white skin tone, the white community is therefore unaware of its advantages and cannot speak to the "suffering" of minorities. In the current political debate, this term has been used in such a way as to go so far as to shut down the success of non-minorities by chalking up their success to their so-called privilege.

This use of white privilege is highly problematic. Firstly, it conflates privilege with racism. This is an important notion to consider because it misrepresents the term in a way that lends itself to miscommunication. It has become a term in modern conversation used to shut down those who are not of minority status; therefore, instead of speaking about white privilege for what it is, a false correlation between being privileged and being racist has developed. Simply because someone was born with supposed advantages does not mean that he is oppressing those who were not. The way that white privilege is used in the news assumes that if you are not of the minority, you must, therefore, be contributing to the marginalization of that minority by nature of your privilege. This notion is ridiculous because it assumes that America is inherently a racist country where the reason that white people get ahead is because of their privilege. It is easy to blame the advantages of one race over another on racist ideology; however, white privilege has nothing to do with racism itself. In fact, white privilege is no different than normal privilege, but by coining it as "white", the term has been weaponized in politics to shut down certain points of view.

The environment that a person grows up in can afford them privileges that others don't have. When one group of people has advantages another does not, that is called privilege and it is no different when it comes to white privilege. White people have advantages that minorities do not. That does not make white people inherently racist, it simply means they have advantages. Let's take a closer look at the most popular example of white privilege cited in modern political conversation: Living without the fear of being arbitrarily racially profiled.

The most commonly referenced example of arbitrary bias against the black community regards unfair assumptions of criminality. There are a few aspects of white privilege to consider when looking at this issue. In regards to mortality rates at the hand of cops, yes, according to whole population statistics, black people are more likely to get shot by police than white people. However, according to accredited professor Peter Moskos at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice, for example, when the statistics being used are looking specifically at homicide cases in the black vs white community, white people are more likely to die at the hands of the cops on the scene of the crime than blacks. This statistic gets skewed in whole population data because the rates of murder cases are far higher in the black community; therefore, on the whole, more African-Americans die.

To be clear, this does not debunk the existence of white privilege. There is clear proof of arbitrary racial profiling against the Hispanic and African-American communities when it comes to law enforcement. However, according to Department of Justice crime statistics, a much larger percentage of the African-American and Hispanic communities commit crimes than in the white community. What this leads to is a social generalization that is formed against disproportionately violent minority communities which says, "if you are part of that community, you must be violent." This assumption, of course, is false, but it creates a bias where people become more wary of those communities. This does not occur because America is racist. This does not occur because white people are privileged. This occurs because there is a legitimate statistical basis for this bias.

So, after all this, what is white privilege? White privilege is the bias that exists against minority groups that do not exist in the white community. It has nothing to do with actual privilege. It has nothing to do with racism. It is simply a term used to point out how minority communities are being marginalized. We cannot deny the existence of this marginalization, but we also cannot deny that it has a legitimate factual basis that stems from the very communities claiming to be disadvantaged.

The purpose of this article is not to disprove white privilege. The purpose is simply to show that there is often a misrepresentation of what white privilege actually is. The statistics commonly cited to support the weaponized use of the term do not tell the full story, because they assume that correlation is causation. They conveniently leave out other factors that may contribute to statistics that show racial socioeconomic stratification. We must also be careful how we use this term so as not to conflate white privilege with racism in America. Using this term in order to shut down the voices of non-minorities hinders thoughtful debate and does not lead to the betterment of minority status. We should be striving to find common ground through clear communication in order to combat true racism instead of contributing to the division among racial lines through the misuse of terms such as "white privilege."

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