I struggled with the decision to write this article, because of how personal this subject is to so many, especially myself. However, after this past week I feel like I have to.
I was watching television the other night and happened across an episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." Guilty pleasure, we all have them, don't judge. It was the one where Scott apologizes to the family for how his addiction caused the family so much grief and pain. Then in his rambling speech he said the phrase that makes me lose my mind every time. He said the phrase "this disease..." This phrase drives me to the brink of insanity when used in this context. Why you may ask? I understand addiction is a terrible thing, but I also understand addiction from a different perspective. I am the child of an addict.
For the majority of my life, my father enjoyed alcohol more than he ever enjoyed being a father. For the majority of my life, my mom stepped up to the plate and played both mom and dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I don't love his choices.
It is true what they say kids: remember who was there, who showed up. For as long as I can remember, my dad choose to drink instead of attend my recitals, sleep off his hangovers instead of cheer me on at sporting events, stay in the clutches of a depressant instead of being proud and happy at my accomplishments. It was hard coming home and watching him open another beer without asking me how my day was. It was difficult hearing my parents fall down the same rabbit hole each night about his drinking.
However, the most heart wrenching part of the whole thing was the fact that nobody besides my family had any idea my father had this problem because he was a functional alcoholic. He held a job down, he provided for us, but he was too busy drowning his own sorrows to ever supply us with the emotional support we needed. We frequently heard "I can stop anytime I want to." "I only drink because I enjoy it." He once actually compared his habit to my mother's enjoyment and hobby of doing crossword puzzles. He didn't stop until his "hobby" until I was 21. When he wound up in the hospital and they told him he would die if he didn't stop. Regardless of the fact that we begged and pleaded he stop for us several times, he didn't stop until it came down to him losing his life. Then he stopped cold turkey and hasn't had a drink since.
The reason I give that background is to demonstrate my point that, as far as I've seen, addicts are selfish individuals who will make any excuse they can to continue what their crutch is at that time. They will even go so far as to say they have a disease. As the child of an addict and a cancer survivor I know the difference between a disease and what I like to call a weakness. A few years prior to my father's sobriety, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought, survived, and is now thriving. When someone has a disease, they don't choose to have it. It wasn't like my mom woke up and said, "Yep cancer sounds awesome let's give that a whirl." On the other hand my dad chose to have those drinks, he chose to drown his sorrows instead of finding a different outlet, he chose his weakness over his kids growing up and being a part of our lives. Addiction is a weakness, not a disease.
As the child of an addict, I have learned many lessons. You can't save someone unless they want to save themselves. Just because they didn't quit for you or because of you doesn't mean you are worthless or worthless to them. Don't give them opportunities to explain themselves, all you will get are more excuses you don't want to hear. Don't give them ultimatums, it will only make them cling to their crutch more and you less. Don't ask them to promise anything you know they can't keep, it will set you up for emotional turmoil. Lastly, the most important thing I have learned is love them through it. My father broke my heart for 21 years, but at the end of the day he was my dad. I had to learn to separate the man from the choices he made.
