Twenty-four-year-old area woman, Amber Cain, is back at her lazy shenanigans again. She decided, after a day of stress-cleaning and having wine, that she deserved a more celebratory wine-- a sparkling wine. In order to do that, however, she realized that she would have to go to her local grocery store. And, since she'd had two glasses of wine while cleaning (instead of actually dealing with her various problems), she decided that she would have to get there in another way that did not include driving herself. Normally, she would walk, since it is not a far walk. But why walk when she has a perfectly good bike that she hasn't used in at least six years?

Well, now she knows why: because biking is actually torturous. Sure, it probably cut the travel time in half. But, despite that fact that she considers/considered herself relatively healthy (I mean, unless you count all of the takeout and embarrassing amounts of wine that she chooses to ignore...), she is actually now dying. She is now dying all because she thought that biking was a good idea. She is convinced that her lungs might have actually lit themselves on fire halfway through the trip, and that her knees might actually have died. Yes, you read that right: HER KNEES ARE DEAD NOW. Bye, bye knees. They are no more.

So, because of this absolute torture, she has decided to never exercise again. When we asked her for a comment, she simply fell asleep in her almost-never-used workout shorts and sports bra, while cuddling the celebratory sparkling wine and a bottle of smartwater. We are more than sure that upon waking, she will boast about how her twelve-minute-each-way biking experience was a legitimate workout, and use that as an excuse to order more takeout. After all, she is clearly the epitome of health and wellness, and deserves a pizza to go with her wine.