During my new found down time before leaving campus, I noticed a disturbing trend in the way food for our children has been advertised. It took a while, and I had to sit through a lot of Friends episodes (which was totally fine with me), but the pattern soon became obvious and terrifying:
Food commercials aimed at children are meant to convert them to cannibalism.
Before you close this tab and blow this off as just another conspiracy theory, let me assure you that I have proof. I offer here three prime examples of snack food commercials having the same, horrible theme, as if Hannibal Lecter were the chief marketing director at Kellogg's. Let us begin with:
Exhibit A: Pop Tarts
Take a look at this commercial, entitled "New PB&J!" The new, proud pastry parents stare adoringly at their newborn child through the window of a maternity ward. "He so has your peanut butter," says the loving jelly mother, while the delighted PB dad coos, "well he's got your Jelly." The parents are obviously in love with their child and each other and thinking of the wonderful future they're about to have; something all parents can relate to.
And then, the nurse steps in. She devilishly licks her lips, picks up the cooing infant, and says with all the cold-heartedness of a polar bear's ex-wife: "Time for a feeding." The father screams in anguish, pounding his peanut butter fists against the glass. The mother, with only a hint of slight annoyance, offers up an "Aww, jammit." This commercial isn't necessarily a clear indicator of cannibalism per se, since the nurse was human and the parents were delicious pastries, but it makes a poignant commentary on both swearing-related puns and what bad parenting looks like.
The next example. however...
Exhibit B: Krave and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereals
These commercials always follow the misadventures of two different examples of cannibals: the relaxed, laid-back cannibal, and the predatory, carnivorous cannibal. An example of the former kind comes from Cinnamon Toast Crunch who's cannibalistic campaign started in 2009.
Allow me to set the scene: two lone squares are in an empty bowl. One curiously licks the other, then turns away as the licked looks around. The process continues, until the prey becomes the predator and devours the other in a fit of what I can only assume is repressed homicidal rage.
While that exemplifies a more casual form of cannibalism, Krave cereal demonstrates a more organized, yet savage representation. If you have seen the commercials before, you would clearly notice how the chocolate-filled corn rectangles work in a pack to devour their prey: an unsuspecting piece of chocolate. The ways in which they perform their task have become more and more disturbing.
But perhaps the most open and horrific example of this barbaric crime obviously comes from:
Exhibit C: Lay's Potato Chips
Maybe the reason why theses commercials are so frightening is because the classic childhood idols, Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, were recruited to spread this message of delicious murder. In a frightening saga practically taken from the pages of a Thomas Harris novel, the first chapter finds Mr. Potatohead coming home from work to find his faithful wife sneaking a bag a Lay's chips in the closet. Shortly after, we find our former heroes donning disguises at the supermarket, shamelessly igniting their addiction by buying more bags of their fallen brethren. The latest episode finds the Potatohead parents being found out by their children, and in a horrifying turn of events, continue their road down a savage path by continuing their sick hobby after the children have left, clearly a metaphor for these criminals passing the point of no return.
The most sickening part about these commercials is that they are so obviously aimed at the impressionable minds of our youth. Their sugar-wired brains are so easily bendable that I predict it won't be long before an entire generation of Jeffery Dahmers are running amuck and eating the elderly. Consider yourselves warned, America: the cannibal massacre is coming swiftly, and it's all thanks to Mr. Potatohead.
