I’m sorry I didn’t say hello.

I could’ve on that Friday so long ago, but like most naive teenagers, I assumed I’d see you the following Monday at school. But when the sun rose Monday morning, you didn’t, leaving thousands of hellos and goodbyes to float into memories.

I’m sorry I didn’t see.

I wish I saw. I wish I said hi to you in the halls like you did to me so many times before. You made my day. You made everyone’s day. Why couldn’t anyone make yours?

I’m sorry no one else could see.

Did you mean to hide your pain? Did you secretly hope that someone would reach out someday and say, "Hey man, I know you’re hurting, but don’t you ever dare go into that bathroom and grab a rope to tie around your neck because if you do, you’ll choke the air out of hundreds of people".

I’m sorry I blame you.

Everyone loved you. We were all teenagers and we never thought outside our own invincibility. We all could fly and nothing could bring us down--not even diseases that crept into our mind. You caused questions to break people’s innocence. Questions about meaning. Love. Life. Depression. Death.

I’m sorry it affected everyone.

You brought a community together with a common ground built of tears, and eventually: change. Even though it’s been years, I still feel your touch in my life. Did you know that I keep seeing your face to this day? I see you in a nameless stranger walking down the street in a baseball cap. I see it in on Facebook posts that a mutual friend decided to dig up out of the archives. I even see your face in our newspaper every so often. No one in our school will ever forget you and that terrible night in September.

But most of all, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.