Apologizing is one of the hardest things you will have to do. It can be difficult to admit that you were wrong, that you made a mistake, or that you hurt someone you care about. But apologizing is necessary, so here’s how to do it right.
1. Know that you need to be the one to apologize.
The fight has gone on too long, and you’re the one who needs to put aside their pride for the sake of the relationship. Or you were the one who messed up in the first place. In both cases, the final decision is clear: you need to apologize, and you need to do it right.
2. Know what you’re apologizing for.
You need to understand what you did wrong before you can apologize. You need to know why your actions hurt the other person. If you don’t know what you did, just ask. There’s no getting around this. If the other person won’t talk to you (because you should know what you did), see the next step.
3. Give them space.
This can mean physically leaving the room, but it’s not always necessary. Let the other person collect themselves, while you think about the best way to go forward. You need to let everyone consider their thoughts and emotions, yourself included. It’s not always best to dive back into the situation. People often need time to think about how they feel. Let the emotions settle from the heat of the fight.
4. Actually say the words "I’m sorry."
Sometimes it’s simply important to hear the words "I'm sorry." You need to make a real apology. But you can’t just stop there…
5. Say so much more than "I’m sorry." Own up to the mistake.
This isn’t a place to apologize for the other person’s feelings. NEVER start an apology with “I’m sorry that you…” Whatever they feel is valid, whether you intended to cause those feelings or not. Take responsibility for your actions. Restate the situation and express your regret.
Example for steps 4 and 5: I’m sorry ____. I should never have _____. I crossed a boundary and I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.
6. Implement different behavior for the future.
This is where the real follow-through is. Don’t keep making the same mistakes. Don’t fight the same fight over and over again. Learn from your actions, and take steps to not hurt the other person again. Don’t bring up past actions in new arguments. Don’t be petty, it’s not cute.
7. Give an explanation, not an excuse.
Never make excuses. No "ifs," "ands," or "buts." If the person wants to understand your actions, then explain yourself. But if they don’t ask, keep it to yourself. This isn’t about you. There may be a time later, after the accepted apology, when the two of you can talk about your actions. Now is not that time.
8. Give them space, part II.
You can’t demand forgiveness. You’ve done nothing to earn their forgiveness. You’ve only made is back to baseline zero. Let them process your apology. You may need to repeat a few steps if the situation is multi-faceted. There may be questions and answers. Be understanding and patient. All you have is a promise to be better in the future, but you still need to face the consequences of your current mistakes. Communication is key.
9. Show them that you care.
This is where the flowers and candy could come in. This could also just be checking in on them throughout the week. Consider their needs, and try to accommodate their wishes as they process your apology.
10. Hug.
There’s no way around it. You just don’t hug people that you’re angry with. If you can get them to hug you, you know they’ve accepted your apology. This is the ultimate end goal, but if you don’t quiet make it there, that’s okay too. You’ve done all you can do, and that’s what matters. The rest is up to them.
