All of you newly engaged or newly married couples under the age of 21, I’m talking to you. I’ve seen your Facebook posts. I’ve watched as you went through numerous different relationships in the past few years. I've watched you and your now-fiancée (or husband or wife) get together.
I was one of the many who shook my head when I saw that you were engaged.
They have only just started dating! I thought with shock. I looked back and saw that only a few months ago you were with someone else. A year ago, you thought that person was the love of your life. Now you’re engaged to someone entirely new? How rash, how irresponsible! I wonder if you have any consideration for why the divorce rate is so high. I wonder if you consider all the stories from those in older generations who were young and in love, only to split up not long after because they did not consider what marriage meant.
I was in this situation for what seemed like the 30th time a few months ago when something hit me. I was scrolling through the new fiancée’s Facebook feed when it dawned on me, what if I was in this person’s place? I’m young, just like they are. I’m in a relationship, just like they are. I’d like to get married young, just like they plan to. I knew that if, in the next six months, I got engaged, I would have thought about it and talked about it with my significant other extensively. I would have weighed the choice carefully. I would have made absolutely sure that my fiancée was the one for me. I would not have rushed into it because I have heard the stories and read about the American divorce rate. If I were in this new couple’s shoes, I would want people to trust that I knew the weight of the decision I was making, and that I was certain of it. I would want everybody to be happy for me. Not shaking their heads at me behind shallow “congrats” comments on my social media page.
I've realized more recently, however, that young marriage is actually something to be desired if it is sought with the right heart.
We often hear people encourage us as young people to find ourselves before binding ourselves to another person. That is an excellent piece of advice, but I think we often take it too far. Yes, we should know who we are as individuals and be capable of being independent rather than relying on another person and forming our identity around that person. That is very important; however, it seems more common for people to learn hyper-independence instead. They reach the point where their independence hinders their ability to develop a close bond with their spouse. Because of that, the longer a person remains single and focused on his or her own independence, the harder it is to learn a healthy level of dependence on his or her future spouse. This is part of the reason why I see young marriage as a beautiful thing.
It is common for a young man to hear that he should establish himself financially before marrying. While it is all fine and dandy to already have a house and a solid career, we forget about the value in the growth that is caused by struggles. If a young couple gets married and together figures out how to survive financially, if the two struggle and stress over how they will make rent next month, they will grow so much stronger than if they start after all those struggles. What is better: learning how to suffer and struggle alone and therefore learning more independence, or suffering and struggling with your significant other and learning healthy co-dependence? I believe the latter is a much better option.
Lastly, my favorite reason of all, if you have found your best friend and the love of your soul, why wait longer to spend forever with that person?
So, to all my young engaged or married friends, I want to apologize because more likely than not, I was one of those fake people about six months ago. I looked on marriage with an unhealthy level of skepticism. I have seen it fail so many times in my life and heard so many augmented statistics about its failure rate that I always have seen "hasty" engagements as extremely rash and naive. I've wondered why the two people would not care to give it more time, to make sure it is right. I have been so afraid of my own relationships failing and of being wrong that I took the approach in the past.
I should have trusted you. I should have believed that you understand the commitment you are making and that you still believe in it. I should have trusted you to consider all the consequences. I should have recognized that what you are working toward is truly one of the most beautiful things on this earth.
Friends, if I were in your place, I wouldn't want to be people's lunch conversations on whether it will really work out or not. I would want people to trust that I really have thought about this and realized how important it is. I would want people to understand that I have a commitment to that person that is as strong as steel. And I would want people to acknowledge that through it all I will trust God and listen closely to his guidance. If it is not supposed to work out, it won't, and I will learn from it. In the meantime, I have what it takes to fight as hard as necessary to keep this person in my life and have that long lasting, healthy relationship that marriage is supposed to foster.
I apologize profusely that I have been that skeptic in your life. What I want you to know now is that I’m beyond happy for you and even a little jealous. It is so wonderful that you two have been able to start your life together, and I’ll be cheering you on from now on. Congratulations on taking that step. I hope and pray for only the best for you in the years to come.
