You do not control me.

Even when I'm sitting in my room wide awake at night, you do not control me.

Even when I'm in a crowded room scanning for any escape and judging how quickly I can get there, you do not control me.

There are plenty of times that I feel like you do, and I constantly have to remind myself that you don't. I hope that one day you will believe me, and leave me alone. Maybe it's even working.

I don't get quite as anxious as I used too when confronted by new people or new experiences. I don't get quite as anxious when my boyfriend leaves me to hang out with another girl. Slowly, I am learning to control you, not the other way around.

Because there was a time that you did control me. A large crowd had me cowering. Going to somewhere I had never been made my hands shake. For a long time, I refused to do anything like that. If there were going to be new people or I wouldn't know where every exit was, I stayed home. There was never a second thought. And for a while, I was happy with that. Or I guess maybe I just didn't realize how controlling you had become.

But soon I realized that your grip was so tightly wrapped around me that I could hardly breathe Soon you had taken everything from me.

I rarely wanted to do anything with friends, and most of them caught on and left me alone. You also ripped every shred of self-confidence from my very being. If I walked past a group of people I avoided any eye contact. If they glanced at me, I cowered. If I walked past a group of people talking or laughing, I instantly believed they were laughing at me. So to make up for this, I changed myself to fit every stereotype possible, so that I stood out as little as possible.

However, I soon grew tired of that life--of you controlling my every move like a puppet on a string. So I decided I had had enough. I stopped fitting stereotypes and started doing simply what I wanted to do, regardless of whether or not it brought attention to me. You may have pushed me away from those I care about, but you also forced me to find myself. So for that, I thank you because I don't think I would have done it on my own.

And it just so happens that I like who I have become.

I am stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have more people that care about me than you ever let me believe.

And I've also learned that I don't have to listen to you. Because all you ever really do is lie. Nobody is out to get me and nobody is watching my every move, looking for something to scrutinize.

So I'll say it again.

To my anxious brain, you do not control me.