I feel like for those who don’t have anxiety, they question what goes on inside of an anxious mind. For basically all of my life, I have suffered from anxiety. As a young child, it was separation anxiety. As I entered middle school, it took the form of irrational fears and into high school it became social anxiety.
While it is hard enough battling this type of mental illness it is even harder to explain to others what it feels like, especially when they think it’s a stupid problem that doesn’t make any sense. I am going to try my best to explain what anxiety feels like from the mind of someone plagued by it.
Imagine your brain working in overdrive. Your thoughts don’t ever stop and most often keep you awake at night. You may look fine on the outside, but inside your brain is tearing you apart. Simple everyday tasks feel like a chore. Sometimes anxiety comes with depression and this depression leaves you wanting to stay in bed. Typical tasks like eating breakfast and getting ready for the day feel so tedious and overwhelming.
Talking to people for too long can be exhausting and sometimes you really can’t focus on a conversation. Your mind wanders and you constantly think about your replies or what you are going to say next. You don’t want to sound stupid or unintelligent and you are most often very sensitive.
Going out brings on so many different problems. You worry about a number of people you will be surrounded by and you’re afraid if you don’t get back home in time you will mess up your routine. People without anxiety can easily stay up past 12 a.m., but for someone with anxiety staying up past 12 a.m. brings on the stress of not getting the eight hours of sleep you need in order to get up at seven the next day.
You stress over the smallest things like what to wear and how other people perceive you, at all times.
You fear something stupid is going to happen and that your life may be taken from you at any minute. As a child, I always had to check and make sure every door was locked before going to bed. I feared someone would break into my house and kill my family and me.
I also had a fire escape plan in the event that my house might burn down during the night. They were things that were so unnecessary but put my mind at ease.
It all sounds so stupid and ridiculous, but it is what happens in my mind. Some days are worse than others, but ultimately my anxiety makes me who I am. The best part is when you find a way to overcome it. Like giving a speech to a room full of people, singing a solo or fighting the urge to make sure you set your alarm for the right time. I realize it is something I will always suffer from and each day brings new challenges, but I wouldn’t change who I am for the world.
