From the outside looking in, it's easy for someone to think that I have it all figured out. Since my hair is curled and my face is stamped in makeup, I must not have a care in the world, right? It's as if I wasn't fighting my own demons just like everyone else. People think that because you cannot see it, then it must not be there. As though pain doesn't exist unless you can physically see it. But sometimes the worst demons are the ones that are not seen, but felt. So, I've learned how to smile and act like everything is completely okay because nobody likes to talk about the hard things in life. Heck, even I don't like talking about the hard things.
I avoid eye contact and not because I'm ignoring what you're saying, but I'm too focused on listening to my own voice hoping that you won't notice that it's on the verge of breaking. In the midst of this I can feel my palms sweating like crazy and I speak with nothing behind my words except insecurity.
Anxiety feels like fire: unexplainably hot and rash and frustrating. But it also feels like drowning and it seems to last forever.
I have a habit of gnawing at the inside of my cheeks. As if the solution to all my problems is buried between my teeth and my gums. I imagine my feet moving with trails of dust behind them because I somehow feel like I'm moving faster than I really am. It just doesn't add up. I can never find the problem, because most of the time, there isn't one. Theres no rhyme or reason, no life or death situation. It's just me filled with nothing but chaos. It's like I'm feeling everything all at once and I just wish it would stop.
I won't lie to you, there are days where I am completely okay and happy, but some days are nothing but crying and panic attacks with no explanation. But they are just days, and I have more where they came from. So I face my demons as they come and go and do my best to enjoy the life that I am given, even if my heart is aching inside of my chest.
