"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy." - Aristotle
The famous philosopher Aristotle is forwarding the idea of control over anger. When anger directs you, injury is prone, respect diminishes and peace is shattered. However, when you direct anger virtuously, others listen, respect gains traction and the footing for peace can be seen.
What is meant by "virtuously?" Virtuously describes taking or directing an action with good intentions, moral excellence and ethical soundness. Sounds hard to perfect the direction of anger, yes? Well, it is! It's incredibly difficult to control and release anger in a dignified and healthy manner, but it can be done. To understand how to control and direct anger, it's essential to understand where anger is born.
We'll split the roots of anger into four major categories: Sorrow, overload, fear and frailty.
Sorrow is the largest source of anger because it includes the losses we've undergone, the deprivation we try to process, the insults, slander and malice from others that infiltrates our thoughts years down the road. Letting sorrow out by opening your heart helps validate your emotion as real and pours cooling water on heated anger or strife. The longer sorrow and sadness remains, the more potential energy it gains to become a kinetic out-lashing. Well, what can we do to alleviate sorrow? We can embrace the sadness and help others embrace it as well. Kim Champion, Ph.D and licensed psychologist at Pike Creek Psychological Center, recently wrote a reflective article over Disney Pixar's movie "Inside Out" and the character Sadness. Throughout the movie, it was hard to see Sadness as a beneficial character, but it is not whom Sadness was that made her important, it was what she did. Champion writes, "...we can do what Sadness did. We can be bold but gentle and speak directly to our friend[s] about what [they're] feeling. We can listen, echo [their] feelings, and just be present. We don’t need to fix or change our friend[s] or [their] emotions. We don’t need to stop [the] sadness or make [them] happy. We just need to be an ally through the tough moments, and over time, these moments lead to healing. There is value in sadness and healing in tears."
Overload: Stress. When we feel overpowered by people or circumstances, it can feel so defeating! Learning how to de-stress is a cornerstone for controlling anger. In a Harvard Health Publication titled "5 Ways To De-Stress And Help Your Heart," four of the options were easy 10-15 minute practices including staying positive, meditating, exercising and unplugging. Staying positive means finding something to laugh at, writing down ten things you're grateful for or even calling someone hilarious to tell you jokes. Meditating, on the surface, can best be related to breathing practices; being aware of your breathing pattern and forcing it to slow. Exercising goes without explanation and unplugging is separating yourself from the world. Lay down on your floor, close your eyes and extract yourself from phones, tv's, computers, etc. Controlling your anger coincides with learning practices that help you return to a balanced star-of-mind. Try one of these practices next time blood begins to boil.
Fear: We've all heard this one (thanks, Yoda). A powerful idea throughout the "Star Wars" episodes is that fear leads to self-caused consequences. The definition of fear is not just the feeling one has at a given time, but the "unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat," according to Google Definitions. J.K. Rowling, famous author of the "Harry Potter" series, illustrates fear in an incredible way. In the series, she creates an amortal non-being called the boggart, a shape-shifting creature that takes on the greatest fears of its viewers. In Remus Lupin's Defense Against the Dark Arts class, students cast a spell to make their fears look ridiculous. While we don't have wands or any means of magic, the principle can still apply. When we confront our fears and change our perception of them, the fear weakens. We can gain confidence over something that once haunted us and we can break the ties of aggressive self-defense that fear ensues. You may be thinking, "that's cute and all, Austin, but what can I do about it now?"
Well, today, do something that you fear. When you get that rush of blood flow and the heart begins to pound, take on the source and stand toe-to-toe.
We see frailty as inabilities, observations that we are weak or broken in an area, emptiness or unfulfillment in a corridor of our lives... frailty is an extremely common root in anger. It is a foundation for fear to be born and borne throughout time if not considered. Frailty includes self-judgement, which is a secretively massive source of anger in the millennial generation. The idea that "I should be better at this," or "look at other kids my age...what the hell am I doing with my life?" This self-judgement spurs the small voice in our heads to self-condemn and to forget we're important and loved. To confront this beginning of anger, it starts with forgiving any judgment you throw on yourself, accepting you're as human as anyone else and by believing you are loved and accepted not by what you do, but by whom you are. Well, that sounds 100x easier said than done, so let's start with something simple. Write out these five sentences every day:
I am _____ and I am loved.
I am striving to become a stronger person.
I will be better than my past and my past does not make me.
Today, I will stand for what I believe.
I am _____ and although I am not perfect, I am loved.
Sorrow, overload, fear and frailty all combine to establish the base of anger; however they all have a common weakness: vulnerability. Vulnerability is losing the defense of tears, it's admitting we need to de-stress from an overwhelming situation, it's believing our fears need to be confronted with steadfastness and it's accepting we are frail in areas of life. If we wish to control and direct our anger virtuously, acknowledging these feelings and how they are prevalent in our lives is vital. Anger is born through these four cornerstones and then borne throughout our days if we do not take action. Brothers and sisters, let's cut down these trees of branching anger by digging deep into the soils of our past and uprooting the sources of anger's nutrition.
