In my short 19 years of life, I have gone through some pretty difficult things, some probably worse than you might believe, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. I realized recently that I never fully appreciated those difficult, painful times in my life until I started a 9-month long journey of missing the one whom I love the most while she is away. Here is an open thank you letter to all the shit I've been through, that has made me into the woman I am today.

1. Thank you for teaching me that I am not the nasty hateful things that I've been called.

Thank you to anyone who has called me nasty names. Thank you to anyone who told me it would be okay if I killed myself, or told me that I was going to hell. Thank you so much to those of you who spread rumors about me, or called me fag, ugly, dumb, bitch, or not good enough. Though it took years, I finally love myself enough to know that none of those things describe me. You have thickened my skin and my self-awareness and after years of thinking I wasn't worth a dime, I can say now that I have the strength to brush those words off of my shoulder. Thank you for teaching me that no one's words can affect me, but my own. Thank you for leading me down a path of self-destruction, because if it weren't for that I wouldn't have been able to find the path to self-appreciation. Thank you.

2. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve better.

Thank you to all of you who have lied to me, cheated on me, or disrespected me. Thank you for helping me realize that no one should treat me like that no matter what the circumstances. Thank you, also, for teaching me how to treat others. Thank you for teaching me that I must earn others trust and respect because it may not be automatically given to me like I gave it to you. Thank you for teaching me that second chances can backfire, and if I ever receive a second chance to not take it lightly. Thank you also for teaching me to respect myself, and trust my gut. Thank you for teaching me to choose the people I keep close to me wisely. Thank you for teaching me to choose me. Thank you.

3. Thank you for teaching me that God really can get you through anything.

Thank you for helping me reach a point of agony and darkness. I went through so many nights I didn't even think I deserved to breathe. After years of being so utterly lost, I realized that I wasn't really lost at all. I was right on track, and God was holding my hand the whole time. He just hadn't turned the lights on yet. He was forcing me to trust Him to not bump me into walls or fall into holes. Sometimes I got a little too far ahead and got knocked down, but He always picked me up. Sometimes I trudged too far behind, and He put a little kick in my step. Never once did He abandon me though. Even when I thought all hope was lost, He knew it wasn't. Here I am today walking in the light and even though some days I struggle, I can look to my right and see Him holding my hand. So thank you for helping me find my way back to the Lord; I wasn't quite tall enough to reach the light switch. Thank you.

4. Thank you for teaching me what love DOESN'T look like.

Thank you for teaching me that repeatedly being mean or hateful to someone and then just saying "sorry" is not love. Thank you for teaching me words don't prove your love for someone, actions do. Thank you for teaching me that you should never be afraid of someone who "loves" you. Thank you for teaching me love isn't supposed to hurt like that. Thank you for teaching me I should never be uncomfortable to the point of a near mental breakdown because of the presence of someone who "loves" me. Thank you for teaching me love actually requires effort, and not just after its too late and the person you love is gone. Thank you for teaching me your family doesn't always have to be biological. If they don't treat you like family, they're not family. Thank you for teaching me that "love never fails." If it fails it wasn't love. Thank you for teaching me that love is a choice, and if someone is important to you, they are worth choosing to love everyday, not just some days. Thank you to all of my toxic relationships for showing me that love doesn't always give you butterflies, but those that love you will always be by your side. Thank you for showing me what love doesn't look like, so I was able to find what it does look like. Thank you.

5. Thank you, most importantly, for shaping me into who I am today.

Thank you for helping me to be a caring, open-minded person. Thank you for tearing me down so I could teach myself how to build myself back up. Thank you for giving up on me so I could learn how to never give up on myself. Thank you for helping push me down a dark path so I could find the Lord in the light. Thank you so much. Without all of this crap behind me, I wouldn't be able to put my best foot forward today. Thank you.