While there is surely pain of higher intensity, there is no pain quite like that of emotionally disappearing. There isn’t anything as raw as the unexpected. There isn’t anything as gnawing as the worms of your hypothetical actions chewing away at your amygdala.
You see the same things you've seen your whole life. You hear the same voices of the individuals who are truly trying to help. Your movements are just as swift as always and you're keeping up with schoolwork -- you really are. So what's different?
The things in your life look now as though you're perceiving them from behind a pair of sunglasses. The voices of those who matter most decrease in decibel until you're trying with everything in you to read their lips, to make out what it is they're trying to tell you. You start to lose your sense of time and you're getting from place A to place B with minimal recollection of it.
You're also spending time studying, reading, writing but you're retaining just enough to get you through. You feel as though you've been picked up and placed into the busiest area you could think of so you sit there as if motionless within a time-lapse. You're watching everyone around you experience emotions, but you're not responsive.
This isn't helping, is it? You want me to tell you that everything will be OK, that you deserve better? You want me to remind you that although you weren't perfect, the potential to be was always there? You want me to find someone else for you to throw the blame on? To remind you that the decisions you've made will soon bring clarity to your life and you'll believe me?
I'm not sure if that is how these things work. I'm no expert of the sorrowful mind, nor do I have any answers for you, nor for myself. But I do know that this isn't how things are meant to be. I know that you won't be a new person overnight, but I can feel that one day, you're going to wake up feeling a little lighter.
Perhaps, the rising water in your stomach that had hopes of suffocating you fell lower, as if the sun began to shine in the dead of winter and your perpetual sunglasses could finally be of use. You'll start to hear the voices of those warm to your heart again, another one each day.
Whatever pain it is you're dealing with uniformly applies. Pain is pain, and while cliches had never worked for you, insight might. You won't be okay tomorrow, but your senses will rejuvenate over time. You'll start to see the world the same way everyone deserves to. It might have been your fault, but you deserve to experience as much as the next person does.
I'm sorry, but I hope I helped.
