Dear people who write open letters to people:

I’m pompous, pretentious, and a number of other things while I attempt to convey a message of my meek and humble upbringing, ways, and means. I have painfully conventional opinions, yet I energetically, emphatically, and emotionally insist that my experience is unique, and I alone am the one that can most accurately describe said experience at the expense of the social ties that I not only pride myself on building, but declare it a pathology if you cannot do the same. I may even say that your resistance to this idea is evidence of your inability and/ or refusal to see your own flaws. I will equate your thinking with the ills of society and the worst of human nature, but then I will shame you for feeling ashamed about that. But don’t shame me.

I feel that that last paragraph probably didn’t catch everybody- well, I’ll attribute that to a pathology I just criticized. Or maybe I’ll just criticize mainstream media on mainstream media and post it to the social media pages of mainstream media outlets and argue with strangers about reality, logic, and morality; and do so rather viciously and condescendingly for no real reason except to waste time.

I am privileged in some ways, yet not in other ways, so the fact of where I’m not privileged gives me a platform to say that other people with other needs different from mine is all a product of their mind, yet when something happens to me, I blame the environment. My idea of religion flies in the face of what thousands of religions for thousands of years have taught about how society works, but nevermind all that. I have a direct link of communication with him. I know the future. Even when I’m way off.

I also need to say how much I value my family while at the same time chronicling the terrible things they don’t even realize that they did to poor me. I will continue to make fruitless attempts at articulating how exactly I’m unique and how that relates to my painfully conventional worldview. At any rate, in spite of all my thinking and the conclusions I draw from that, I am still pretty pathetic when it comes to my relationships with the people around me; yet I don’t want to even think about the possibility that it could be me.

I will conclude on a hopeful note that is a little like a house built on a termite’s nest. I may even add more original and cliché similes and metaphors to further illustrate my point.

I may even quote a Beatles lyric that everyone knows in order to display my cultured depth.

Here is a verse from a poem everyone knows,

and if anyone doesn’t know it,

the content will be chock full

of relational subject matter

which I’ll make fun of my little brother for attempting to mimic

You know what? I guess I’ll just add another condescending comment for good measure. YOLO.

Some Pompous Title,

Some Pretentiously Vague Noun

P.S. If people bring the heat to my wonderful creation, I’ll take my talents to Breitbart. Or the Huffington Post. Whichever one whose Editor- In- Chief doesn’t have a chariot powered by the tears of their interns.