The man sent me a photo of a woman balancing a beer on her clearly enhanced breasts.
“You have some competition,” he said.
I was thrown off.
After five weeks of daily chats, I thought he had potential.
“That’s okay. I have more to offer than that anyway,” I said.
“Oh yeah?” he said. “Like what?”
Keep in mind, he inserted that little seductive emoji after his question. Any person who has ever used text messaging knows the implications behind those little yellow faces.
“My intellect,” I responded.
"That's lame!" He protested.
After going back and forth for several minutes he said, “If you want to chill, that’d be cool.”
This is not the first time I’ve been shamed for being a buzzkill and for being "un-chill."
Since I’ve been in college, I’ve seen this idea of the “chill girl” solidify in the minds of men. I don’t know where this idea came from, but it is toxic. It is dangerous to expect women to sit back in silence when our worth is constantly questioned. It is ludicrous to try to muffle a woman’s passion by saying that she has become less attractive in pursuing it. It is shameful to disenfranchise a woman with a single word. “Chill.”
When we’re repeatedly told that our opinions do not matter or that our passion is overbearing, we slip into the role of the “chill girl,” in the hopes that we fit in—when we really should be standing out.
So, un-chill girls here is some advice:
1. Don’t apologize for being passionate
Do you love something? Do you have a pretty good grasp on who you are? Congratulations. You already intimidate a vast majority of people. For a woman, passion is seen as "over-kill;" drive is seen as "bitchiness;" and dedication is seen as "over-compensation".
2. You will be called crazy at some point
I live my life by the Alice Paul quote, "Courage in women is often viewed as insanity." If you stick up for yourself and others around you, that's a very "unchill" thing to do. If you call people out on saying something racist, sexist, etc., you will probably rub them the wrong way. Do not apologize for using your voice. Do not ever stop using it.
3. Rid yourself of the toxic people in your life
This is a lot easier said than done. I’ve had to distance myself from family members and friends because they refuse to grow in their perception of women. Surround yourself with people who love instead of tolerate; who encourage instead of belittle; who support instead of oppress.
4. Who you are is not measured by the opinions of men—or anyone else.
Did the guy tell you that you are “too much” or “a lot to handle”? I can not tell you the amount of men who have recommended that I censor myself or that I’ll have a hard time finding a boyfriend because I refuse to alter myself to fit someone else’s mold. That doesn’t mean you need to lessen yourself. It means you need to raise your standards.
5. Share you experiences
I shared my conversation with that man on Facebook. I censored his name. No one knew who he was. Yet, I was criticized.
"That's unnecessary," some people said. "You should be ashamed that you shared this."
I didn't do it for their opinions. I did it for the young women growing up in America who believe that being intelligent is a disadvantage. I did it for the young men in America who are currently being taught to value a woman's body over her intellect. Will you get criticized? Will you get called names? Will people judge you? Yes. Yes. And yes. As "un-chill" women, we weren't put on this earth to go with the flow. We were born to make waves.
