To the one who wants their ex back,

As I’m writing this, I am sitting in the library of my college campus, when I smell something that reminds me of his old cologne. And then suddenly, I’m 15 again, and he’s wearing a band T-shirt, and I’m wearing makeup for the first time, and my young heart is wondering if this is how love starts.

Then I’m 16 again, and I’m smiling with him over chemistry packets and dinner dates, and we are spending our nights talking on the phone about our dreams and futures. I wonder whether or not he knows I want him to be in mine.

Then I’m 17 again, looking at him a few days before he left me, telling him “I think love has a lot to do with you,” and he is smiling sadly and taking me into his arms because he knows what’s about to happen and I don’t. He tells me I’ll forget him in a matter of months, and I wonder if he knows I think he is very wrong.

Then I’m 17 and a half again, and he left me five months ago, but I’m still waiting for calls and texts that look like hope and sound like love. I keep our conversations and photos in a hidden folder on my laptop. Now love feels a lot like waiting, but that’s OK.

Then I’m 18 again, and I wonder if love is another boy that I’ve met, but then I think about our years together, and I know that it’s not. Its been months, and I still have not forgotten about him. So I pack for college, and I come across an unopened letter that looks a lot like hope and smells a lot like love, and I was right. I sit on the floor and cry because this letter was filled with things that he wanted to tell me in high school, but I never got the chance to read it. I took this as a sign that I saw the letter too late, and I know that God did not think we were meant to be.

I am entering my twenties now, and I’m sitting in the library of my college campus. For years, I tried to make my definition of love fit the description of him, but I was fooling myself. Love is the boy with the wide eyes, big dreams and open heart, who has a beautiful sense of humor and loves his family. I am miles away from him, and love is bittersweet because I do not know if I cross his mind, but five years later, I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter. I am learning, and love is no longer something that I spend my days wondering about. Love is holding onto him when he wants me, and remembering him when he does not. Love is hoping for timing that may never line up right. Love is re-reading old messages and flipping through old photos and thinking about old memories that I may never have the chance to re-live again. Love requires patience that I am trying to have. I have not forgotten him, and I never will.

This past week, I found myself going through old pictures, and he was everywhere. He consumed my entire heart and soul for so many years. And ever since I’ve stumbled upon these old pictures, I have done nothing but cry every time I think about those moments that we once shared. It’s been almost three years since we broke up, so I shouldn’t still feel this way, but I can’t help it. I look at these pictures and realize how happy we were at one point in time, and how much we truly loved each other.

We all have that one ex that we would give up everything to be with again. But some things are just better left in the past. It’s been so long without him, you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. Why, so far down the road, am I still harping on the past? Maybe it’s because he was my first love, and your first love screws you up so badly – so goddamn badly.

As much as I want him back, I could never go down that road again. You have to take into consideration that things are different now. When two people end a relationship, they part ways and move forward with life. They call it an ex for a reason. That person whom you once loved may not exist anymore. And the relationship has expired. As much as you may love them, you need to love yourself enough to not put yourself through the same cycle of pain again.

Not a day goes by when I don’t imagine what my life would be like if we were still together. And not a day goes by when I don’t wonder how he’s doing and how life is treating him. I can’t help but to think of all of the “what if’s” and “what could’ve been’s”. But it's time to let go and stop dwelling on the past. After all, the past is what brought you to the present, and what will guide you to the future.

You’re not together anymore, and there is a reason for that. It’s all part of fate. Maybe one day, 10 years from now, when you’re older and different, you’ll pass each other on the way to work. You’ll remember those big blue eyes and all of those high school memories. Maybe, just maybe, then you’ll finally be better for each other. But until then, use all of your sense of morals to walk away, and use all of your self-control not to beg them for another chance.

Sincerely,

A fellow girl who is struggling to let go