To The Person I Never Got Over

To The Person I Never Got Over

No matter where we are in life, we always find each other.
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My Dear,

Why…

Why is that after all this time, we can’t seem to move on? For as long as I can remember, we have had a thing, years of flip flopping on feelings and wandering through an endless wheel of disappointment. Not your typical high school puppy love or publicity stunt, but a legitimate connection that seems to be unshakable. You were always someone I found desirable, yet completely…. aggravating. Our minds never seemed to cross the same wavelength and your personality appeared to be the complete antithesis of my own. I could never debunk your thoughts or idiotic actions, as if I was in a constant state of dramatic irony. But I didn’t care. What we have is something that allows these details to fade from thought.

We bullshitted for years, dating the wrong people, looking for something that wasn’t each other. I always lied about how I felt, never completely admitting my feelings, which were everything but platonic. For years, we stayed friends. We fell in love with different people, and eventually, got our hearts shattered. My exes hated you, because they understood, even before I did, that what we had was more raw and real than any relationship I ever had. They saw the threatening force you had on me, knowing that I would drop any other lover for you. But we were always there for each other: to pick the careless shards of my heart off the floor and mend it back together. I guess you just filled in the missing pieces with your own dismembered heart. Finally, we both chased our feelings. We never made it last, but we never got over it; we could never call it quits. Our friendship would never be the same, why not keep trying?

Even now, I see you, and our lives seem so different. You fantasize about a life that would be nothing but appalling to me. My independence and cold heartedness frightens you. No matter where we are though, we always find each other. Whether its six months, two years, or 20 years down the line, we can always pick up right where we left off. Things will never change, but do we want them to?

We will probably never live happily ever after; we will not be the Nicholas Spark archetype, where you run through a crowded airport after me to tell me that you fucked up royally and need me back. No, that’s not how life works, not my life that is. Our lives are not a remake of When Harry Met Sally. We are those lovers, destined by fairytale expectations, to be together, but never for more than a snap of a finger. That doesn’t change that fact how I feel, that the connection we have is something that most people don’t experience once, let alone multiple times. We have a passion that rejuvenates us, that feeds our lustful souls and that perplexes us, as all love does. In the words of Amy Winehouse, love is a losing game, and it’s true. My feelings for you are a ticking time bomb that will eventually scatter my body across this wasteland, until you come around again, and put the pieces back together. That’s the cycle, that’s our story, and I am glad I will feel it forever.

Yours always.

Cover Image Credit: Pintrest

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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You've Heard Of 'How To Be Single,' But Let's Talk About 'How To Be Romantic'

For some of us, it takes work to be cutesy and romantic.

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Okay, I'm probably the least romantic person anyone has ever met. Not to say that I'm a bad girlfriend or that I'm not caring. I just find love in simple things like knowing what to order for them at restaurants, doing their laundry, planning unique dates, or cooking for them. It's not that I'm opposed to being arduous, I've just never been a chocolate and flowers kind of girl. I'm more of a Mongolian hot pot and "let's walk across the Brooklyn Bridge!" kind of girl. I appreciate some effort, tailoring something to fit a person's idiosyncratic personality or general spontaneity, not how flowery something looks. Not saying that I'm not feminine, I'm just my own entity, so to speak, and that translates into my love life. Needless to say, I thought I should learn how the other half lives, so I've challenged myself to take a course on being a classic/hopeless romantic just to understand how others think and who knows I might change some of my habits!

1. Leave notes

I think it's a really cute and simple idea that I will try to do because it makes everything very personal.

2. Write them a poem

I've had this done for me but I've never actually done it, because believe it or not, I didn't like to read or write poems up until this year.

3. Cuddling

Okay, so I'm not a cuddler, I have no idea why — it's more or less a personal space and attachment issue, I guess. I love hugs though! I guess I just have to be in the mood to cuddle and at times I can be. Other times it just makes me nervous.

4. Dedicate a song to them on the radio

It seems like the people on the radio that do this are crazy in love and honestly, to be able to have the ability to go on the radio and just declare your love for someone else is really inspiring.

5. Surprise them!

I personally cannot stand surprises, but I love to surprise other people and just be spontaneous, so I sort of do this already.

6. Carve your names into a tree

I've thought about doing this, but I've never got around to it, so I promise one day I will.

7. Go see a romantic movie

Nope, nope, I'll barf! Not happening, strictly horror movies for this girl, sorry!

8. Make them a care package

See, this makes me think a lot about what really defines romantic, because I do this all the time, but I don't consider it romantic, I just think it's sweet.

9. Take a walk on the beach together

I've done this, but I have to be doing this while looking for seashells or I feel like I'll be bored.

10. Make a CD for them

"THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER," CHARLIE IS QUAKING.

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