Dear People Who Murdered My Fish,
Hi. How are you? Are you doing okay? Are classes stressing you out? Did you really need that extra shot that pushed you over the edge?? If you wanted to know, I'm doing well. Thank you for the replacement fish, by the way. No, he does not look like my old fish, Fergie, but he'll do. He's much safer with me than in your hands.
I just wanted to write this to let you know that what you did was actually very serious. It may have seemed like a joke to steal my fish from the bathroom, and leave an empty tank and spilled food like a murder scene, but it wasn't.
Fergie was a great addition to our floor. My residents adored him, and he lived longer than any other floor fish in the building. He was loved, and he bonded my freshman girls together during orientation week. He was a living creature who existed as part of our Ferguson Floor Family. You probably didn't know that, though. You probably saw harmless Fergie and thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to steal the fish and all his belongings? No one will notice." Well, we did. If you didn't see all the Facebook posts looking for him, or hear us talking about him, then you're probably pretty checked out. I don't want to know how you killed him, but I know that he deserved to finish out the year with his family. He didn't deserve to be kidnapped and probably shaken to death by your careless hands.
I know you're probably laughing at me right now, but I want you to be serious for just a moment and reflect on what you did:
1. You stole someone's property.
2. You killed a fish.
3. You didn't apologize.
The last one is probably the worst. I get it. Drunk people are stupid, but own up to your mistake. Don't leave a bogus note saying, "Went on an adventure, but I'm back now, bitches. Love, Drunk Fishy." He didn't go on an adventure. Fergie was stolen, then murdered. It would be an adventure if he returned home safely. Instead, you replaced him with a semi-lookalike fish and didn't even have the decency to tell us that it wasn't Fergie. You fooled me for a little bit, but that was because I was just so happy to have "him" back.
So, you'll look back on this and have a story from this year of college, and so will we. The difference is our story will be about how you murdered something that meant a lot to me and my resident's first-year experience. Thanks for tainting the first bonding memory my girls will have of IWU. Think of that next time you decided to have an "adventure."
Sincerely,
Ferguson Floor Two
