I loved you with all my heart. I thought we would be together forever. I thought it was destiny. I thought you loved me back. I thought wrong. Relationships don’t always mean love. I had to figure that out the hard way.
We were all taught to find a Prince Charming who would love us for who we are and never leave us. Who would treat us like a princess and take care of us. But sometimes just because someone takes care of you and treats you right doesn’t mean they appreciate you or truly care about you. As children we imagine these magnificent worlds that we truly believe in with breathtaking romances. As we get older we stop believing in these fairy tales yet still have hope that one day our made up romances will come true.
When I met you I thought my fairytale had come true. I thought I had found my Prince Charming who would love and cherish me for all eternity. I was so blinded by my own love and compassion I failed to realize it wasn’t being reciprocated. I was strung along through the torrent of self-hate and malicious behavior that you injected into my life because you said you loved me and I believed you. I believed that all this was a part of love, these are the downs people spoke about. I believed that it was okay when you would scream at me and blame me because you would apologize after. I believed that our relationship was fine. Then I heard the phrase “emotional abuse” and I truly realized what I had gotten myself into.
Emotional abuse is making someone feel unloved or unwanted. It took me so long to realize you were doing this to me. You weren’t trying to make me feel unloved by you, you were trying to convince me you were the only person who would ever love me so I would stay, and it worked. I stayed with you so much longer than I ever should have because you had me convinced you were the best I could get.You were wrong. I finally came to my senses and leaving you was the best decision I’ve ever made, not because you made me feel worthless or because there was someone else, but because I was not loved or cherished.
It’s been years since the last time I saw or spoke to you but the scars you gave me are still there. Yes, they’ve faded but they are there nonetheless. I see it in my daily anxiety. I hear it in the thoughts I have. I feel it whenever I convince myself I am unlovable and worthless. Every person who has come into my life after you has questioned why I do this and they tell me to “just stop”. They don’t understand why I can’t take their compliments or why I randomly ask if they truly like me. Only you understand and you will always have that power over me. But my scars are fading, and they will keep fading until they are so faint even I can’t see them anymore. Will I ever forget you? No. Will I ever stop being in love with you? Of course not. No matter how much I hate you you were my first love and you always will be. However, that doesn’t mean I still need to allow you to control every second of my life. So thank you, for putting me through hell and thank you for all the mental scars and the trust issues and the anxiety. It has showed me what I need in my life and what I need to do to get there. You showed me what I truly deserve in a man, and I deserve so much more than you could ever hope to be.
