I honestly never thought I would write about this. I mean really...how do you write about, or even openly talk about something like this? It's hard. Really hard. But nevertheless, here I am. The person that caused me to write this will likely never see this, and never care. Quite frankly, at this point, I don't care if either happens. I just finally for once need to let it all out.
So hi, hello,
You've probably forgotten me by now. Maybe because you've moved on from that night.You're out being successful. Probably talking to other girls. Living your dream, right? Well, that's good for you, I guess. It's your life and you can do whatever you please with it.
Let me take you back, though. To a few years ago. When you met a happy, easygoing girl that really did like you. Maybe that was my ignorance to like you, I'm not exactly sure, even still. But I did like you. You didn't like me. Of course, I didn't know that then. Because you acted like you did. I feel like an idiot, looking back. I was head over heels for the devil in disguise. How could I make such a big mistake?
I remember that weekend, even after all this time. I remember the huge hug you gave me after you surprised me in front of everyone I was with. I remember the constant texts asking me where I was. I remember you grabbing my hand, and asking if I wanted to "get out of this place" and go "hang out." Call me naive, but when you said "hang out", I really did think you meant hang out. Like, hang out, talk to each other. But you didn't - your definition was different than mine. Completely different. But, I wish I could turn back time to tell myself that I was headed for danger. The danger being you. How could I have been so stupid to think I was safe with you?
How could you have ignored my constant "no's", my constant, "please stop, you're hurting me?" Maybe you didn't go "all the way". But why did you get to have your way? My "no" meant NO. It didn't mean yes, it didn't mean maybe. How was it so easy for you? And what makes it really hard for me now is that I've heard that I wasn't the only person you did this to. So, how terrible of a person does it make me, for not saying anything at the time? You weren't entitled to the life you have now. Yet, I literally just handed it to you. Basically said, "here, go out there and do it all over again...it's okay."
I think the worst part about it is that everyone that does know about this incident, has told me "it's in the past now, you might as well move on, too". Even you, when you "apologized" months later. I have. I have really tried. I live every day, or try to at least, as a normal person. But what no one seems to understand is this one incident ruined so much for me. Yes, I admit that I didn't speak up then. When it happened. I was scared. Alone. I didn't know what to do. And like I said before, who would want to admit that? What people don't understand, is that this affects me past, present, and future. It's not one or the other. It's not something that just disappears when you wake up one morning. It's not.
You know...it's weird. When I heard about the Brock Turner case, I was furious. How could someone get off for something so terrible in three months? But then I think back to you. You didn't even get three months. You got nothing. Nothing except the satisfaction in knowing that you were saved. While I was ruined day-in and day-out by something that wasn't my fault. Although I constantly blamed myself for it for the longest time.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this, just like I wasn't sure how to begin it. I won't say "all the best in life" or anything like that. I'm still not going reveal your identity or anything, either. Closure comes with forgiveness and forgetting. I'm not ready for that yet. That's not what I want from this. The whole purpose of this was me. Not you. I needed this to make myself feel heard. Not make myself seem needy, fragile, etc. I needed to wake up from this nightmare. I'm not there yet, I know I'm not. But I'm getting there.
Just Another Body