To The One Who Saw Me As Just Another Body

To The One Who Saw Me As Just Another Body

“The marks humans leave are too often scars.” ― John Green
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I honestly never thought I would write about this. I mean really...how do you write about, or even openly talk about something like this? It's hard. Really hard. But nevertheless, here I am. The person that caused me to write this will likely never see this, and never care. Quite frankly, at this point, I don't care if either happens. I just finally for once need to let it all out.

So hi, hello,

You've probably forgotten me by now. Maybe because you've moved on from that night.You're out being successful. Probably talking to other girls. Living your dream, right? Well, that's good for you, I guess. It's your life and you can do whatever you please with it.

Let me take you back, though. To a few years ago. When you met a happy, easygoing girl that really did like you. Maybe that was my ignorance to like you, I'm not exactly sure, even still. But I did like you. You didn't like me. Of course, I didn't know that then. Because you acted like you did. I feel like an idiot, looking back. I was head over heels for the devil in disguise. How could I make such a big mistake?

I remember that weekend, even after all this time. I remember the huge hug you gave me after you surprised me in front of everyone I was with. I remember the constant texts asking me where I was. I remember you grabbing my hand, and asking if I wanted to "get out of this place" and go "hang out." Call me naive, but when you said "hang out", I really did think you meant hang out. Like, hang out, talk to each other. But you didn't - your definition was different than mine. Completely different. But, I wish I could turn back time to tell myself that I was headed for danger. The danger being you. How could I have been so stupid to think I was safe with you?

How could you have ignored my constant "no's", my constant, "please stop, you're hurting me?" Maybe you didn't go "all the way". But why did you get to have your way? My "no" meant NO. It didn't mean yes, it didn't mean maybe. How was it so easy for you? And what makes it really hard for me now is that I've heard that I wasn't the only person you did this to. So, how terrible of a person does it make me, for not saying anything at the time? You weren't entitled to the life you have now. Yet, I literally just handed it to you. Basically said, "here, go out there and do it all over again...it's okay."

I think the worst part about it is that everyone that does know about this incident, has told me "it's in the past now, you might as well move on, too". Even you, when you "apologized" months later. I have. I have really tried. I live every day, or try to at least, as a normal person. But what no one seems to understand is this one incident ruined so much for me. Yes, I admit that I didn't speak up then. When it happened. I was scared. Alone. I didn't know what to do. And like I said before, who would want to admit that? What people don't understand, is that this affects me past, present, and future. It's not one or the other. It's not something that just disappears when you wake up one morning. It's not.

You know...it's weird. When I heard about the Brock Turner case, I was furious. How could someone get off for something so terrible in three months? But then I think back to you. You didn't even get three months. You got nothing. Nothing except the satisfaction in knowing that you were saved. While I was ruined day-in and day-out by something that wasn't my fault. Although I constantly blamed myself for it for the longest time.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this, just like I wasn't sure how to begin it. I won't say "all the best in life" or anything like that. I'm still not going reveal your identity or anything, either. Closure comes with forgiveness and forgetting. I'm not ready for that yet. That's not what I want from this. The whole purpose of this was me. Not you. I needed this to make myself feel heard. Not make myself seem needy, fragile, etc. I needed to wake up from this nightmare. I'm not there yet, I know I'm not. But I'm getting there.

Sincerely,

Just Another Body

Cover Image Credit: www.zryxsw.com

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I Drank Lemon Water For A Week And Here's What Happened

It has already changed my life.

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There are so many health crazes out there now, it's hard to tell what actually works and what doesn't; or more importantly what is healthy and what is making your body worse. I read about simply drinking lemon water and I figured that didn't sound gross or bad for me so I figured I would give it a try. I've been drinking it consistently for a week and a half and I already notice some results.

I've never been a fan of lemon in my water, I always refuse it at restaurants. You definitely have to find your sweet spot in lemon to water ratio, in what tastes good to you. I personally cut the lemon into quarters and use on quarter per day. I put the lemon quarter in the bottle and then continuously fill with water throughout the day. I still get the yummy lemon flavor all day because I do not squeeze the lemon. It took about a bottle or two to get used to the lemon flavor, and now I just crave it.

Lemon water is supposed to speed up your metabolism. Obviously, a week is not long enough to tell if this is fact or fiction but I have noticed a change in appetite. I feel like I do not get hungry as often as I did before. I saw this effect within 24-48 hours of starting the experiment. This seems opposite to a fast metabolism but we'll see.

I definitely feel more hydrated with lemon water. I drink a lot of water anyways, about 80 oz a day but for some reason with the lemon, it makes me feel better. I don't feel as sluggish, I'm not getting hot as easily, and my skin feels amazing. I am slightly skeptical though because the lemon almost makes my tongue dry requiring me to drink more water, so I have upped my intake by about 20oz. I'm unsure if the hydration is due to the extra water, the lemon, or both!

My face is clearing up and feels so much softer too, in only a week! I have not gotten a new pimple since I have started my lemon water kick, may be coincidence but I'm not going to argue with it.

I also feel skinnier as I feel like I'm not holding as much water weight. I only exercise lightly, for the most part, walking around a mile or two a day so we can eliminate exercise factor to the slender feeling.

I have a messy stomach. Everything upsets it, and even though lemons are very acidic, they have not affected me in a negative way at all. It almost seems like the lemon water is helping me digest the difficult foods that my stomach doesn't like. I'm nowhere near a doctor so don't trust my word but it seems to be working for me.

From the effects I've felt so far, it also seems like lemon water may be a great hangover cure! I haven't tried it but I don't see why it wouldn't work. I can't say a negative thing about drinking lemon water so far expect you have to buy the lemons! If you try this for yourself though just make sure you are using an enamel saving mouthwash or toothpaste since lemons aren't so great for your teeth.

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Learning How To Cope With Rejection

"We are stars wrapped in skin, the light you are seeking has always been within." - Rumi

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"Life sneaks up on us every once in a while and gives us something we didn't even know we wanted, and lights within us a love we didn't even know existed." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines

I've never really been someone who needs other people to motivate me. Whether it was schoolwork, going to the gym, or trying new things, if I ever want to get something done, the motivation has to come from me. If I don't complete a task, I may try to pass the blame but deep down I know it's on me. However, knowing this about myself can sometimes be frustrating because often my eyes and dreams are bigger than I am willing to work for.

I can't count the number of times I have dreamt about a music career with stadium tours and platinum records or going to a top-tier university and getting the opportunity to create a successful start-up company. Sometimes the dreams will seem simple like planning every moment of my dream wedding or visualizing the day I have my first child. While all of those dreams would be amazing, I know they will not all come true. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.

I realize now that I can create my dream life out of what I do have, not out of what I wish I had. As Rumi said "the light is within" and I just need to find it. I know that good things don't just get handed to you, you have to work for them. But my brain works a little differently. When something doesn't go my way, it if anything makes me work even harder.

In December of 2016, I found out I got rejected Early Decision from my dream school. Sad, mad, and generally disappointed, I avoided this topic of conversation with everyone. It felt like a summer of essay-writing, test-taking, and four years of hard work had been thrown out the window. But it motivated me. It made me want to achieve something to prove them wrong.

Of course in the way that I deal with most emotions, I wrote a song about it and, with the help of my sister, posted it on my YouTube channel. It was a productive way of dealing with the rejection. Now that I am almost halfway through my second year at Emory, I truly believe it was for the best because it lit a light within me that I don't think could have come from anywhere else.

The university that I thought was my dream school told me they didn't want me. I built a thick skin (or thicker skin) with their rejection and gained a lot of strength because I had to. I'm sure I'm not the only person they have taught this lesson to and I'm sure I won't be the last. My heartbreak gave me more strength than I could have imagined and still motivates me to achieve greater things, things I thought were only a part of dreams.

"I am going to make you so proud" -Note to self.

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