Hello stranger.
That's what you are to me now: a stranger. It's odd to wake up not knowing anyone as intimately as I've known you, but I am getting there. I am intimately knowing myself now, and it's much more exhilarating than any intimacy you have ever shown me.
You saved me from Hell, but you put me through torment.
I spent so much of my life living in an abusive Hell on Earth. People heard my story years later and shed tears I never had the courage to shed myself. When you stepped in, you showed me that not every man is the same. You stood up for me when I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
Things looked like they would brighten infinitely with you, but the darkness crept in slowly after the fights rolled off our tongues in a foreign language only we could scream at one another. Suddenly, intimacy was a weapon and you vomited my regrets and torture back into my face. I slung it back at you in haste, and our arguements left us slumped on the floor regretting every decision we had ever made- including our relationship.
You taught me to relate love to pain, and I believed you because you weren't the first to try and teach me this lesson... but you will be the last.
You convinced the world you were Prince Charming and I was a Wicked Witch.
Remember the day you drove through the fog to pick me up after months of not seeing each other? It's so easy to make a fairy tale out of an Army situation, and my gosh did we ever stick to it. You sent flowers, you wrote letters, and you made a 10 minute phone call a priority.
Everyone told me how lucky I was to have a man so chivalrous. What they didn't see, though, were the fights, tears, and depressive episodes I endured at night when all I had to cling to was myself and my tear-stained pillow.
You tore me down for things out of my control. You told me I wasn't trying hard enough to communicate with you. You accused me of cheating. You accused me of avoiding you and belittled me if I missed a phone call. You tortured my mind and broke me into a million pieces.
Then, you made me into a monster that didn't exist so the world would see you shining bright. When you cheated on me, you made me break up with you on Facebook so that you wouldn't look bad to all our friends. When you drove me insane controlling me from training and I left you, you ran my name through the dirt telling others how I wanted to sleep around. You called my sick grandmother to worry her about me having friends over. You twisted every decision I made into a weapon against yourself. I spent too many nights crying because of the man beside me than I did crying for any man who's rejected me since.
You put me through mental abuse, but you called me the crazy one.
Remember all the times you knew I hated you cussing in front of my family, but you continued to do it anyways? Or remember the little things that would drive me to the point of explosion? You knew which buttons to push, and you made sure to spend most of our quality time punching the buttons repeatedly.
It would cause an argument, of course, and I would feel justified in my decisions to react. Then, you would tell me I was insane. As tears streamed down my face and I trembled as I tried to steady my breathing, you told me I was crazy. You accused me of having an anger issue like my ancestors. You accused me of many things, but I will not be told what to think of myself again. I will not allow someone to hold that power over me.
You blamed me for your own personality and lifestyle defects.
You're bad with money. I am, too, but in a different way. I was in charge of bills, and you were in charge of the stupid decisions neither of us needed to make.
I remember almost losing our home and deciding to pawn your game system for some rent money or electric- who can remember. I was cussed for months over making a decision to keep us afloat. When you were laid off, I worked my ass off to be sure we had money to have a home and food, too. When you wanted an expensive game or some toy that was truly meant for a young boy for Christmas, I made sure I had the money to get it for you. When we had to turn off the cable to save money every month, you told me how much you hated me for it. You complained to me and knocked me down mentally on a daily basis.
You exhausted my mind and my ability to feel compassionate for others. I no longer wanted to help someone whether I loved them or not. I didn't even want to help myself. Then, you took it a step farther and told me it was my fault that you were stuck at a job you hated and doing work that drained you, too. I encouraged you to escape the spiral, but you didn't want to try or listen. Blaming me was a much easier, temporary solution.
You didn't appreciate me.
To this day, you tell me how much I didn't do for you. You look over the clean house, home cooked meals, and kids with all their attached limbs. It seems so simple, but it wasn't a job easily done. You didn't care to see the animals groomed, watered, or tail-wagging happiness from a job well done.
Instead, you pointed out that the laundry wasn't folded, the bathroom wasn't sparkling, or the dishes were backed up. If dinner wasn't made as soon as you got home, I was putting others before you. If I didn't get to one of the errands you needed of me that day, I was useless to you. You taught me that in order for you to appreciate me I had to slave for you, and not in the sexy, 21st Century, lustful manner.
You changed my dreams, and then you crushed the dreams we built together.
Remember the first time we talked about getting a house to own together? We were in our first ever apartment- a studio in the ghetto of Fairmont. We could hear party-goers arguing and fighting underneath our window AC. We had dreams- dreams that I don't think I had before you.
I never dreamed of my wedding until I met you, and you told me you wanted a wife. I never had a desire to raise another child after helping my mom through some of the worst years of my siblings' lives, and then you told me you wanted a little miniature you to raise into a man- your version of a man.
Honestly, I never dreamed of settling down in one spot. I always dreamed of moving, going, seeing the world. I wanted to explore, but you wanted to plant roots and grow. I decided if you wanted that then I did, too.
Once I was settled into the idea of forever in the same spot with you, I was in it for the long haul. Then, you came home to look straight at a wall, not in my eyes, as you told me you didn't want to fight for us anymore. You wanted out of our dreams. You wanted to leave me to fight our battles alone.
You wrecked my self confidence, and when I found it you tried to tear it back down again.
I remember the fight you started after I got two purple extensions in my hair. It lasted for days, and I cried over it so much I almost took them out. If took a third party to make you see the torture you were putting me through. I was lucky.
I remember when I wanted to dye my hair blue, and you told me no. I wanted to cut my hair short because it was too hot, and you told me no. I wanted to wear blue lipstick, and you told me no. For so long before I got my smiley pierced, you told me how ugly it would be. When I got it done finally, you scowled and made fun of me. I could go on, but I think the point is pretty clear.
Even after we were apart, you would message me asking why I made the decisions I did. You asked me why I got the piercings I did. Why did I wear those weird glasses? Why did I dye my hair the way I did? Why did I get a thigh tattoo?
I was trying so hard to find out who "Britiany" was, and while you got to explore and change yourself you kept telling me who to be as well. For so long I let it happen because I thought it was me being "respectful", but now I see how weak I let myself become so that you could have your way.
I refuse to give you the ability to drain me of myself again.
Through all the muck, I have pulled myself together like a Phoenix and grown into someone stronger than I was before. I learned to stand firm in what I believe in- even if I'm standing alone. No matter what I face, I am ultimately going to be the one backing up the words and actions that I produce. I can't rely on anyone else to be there to do that for me. I need to be myself, and I need to be true to that in the process.
I have also learned that mental illness does not defeat me. I can overcome any and all trials that my illness may present. I am not weak for getting help. I am not helpless for having a health issue. I am perfect, I am capable, and I will succeed.
I have learned to fight for my dreams, not everyone else's. When it comes to what I want in life, I should stand firm in the dreams I have mapped for myself. I should also find someone who correlates with my dreams. They should have a mindset similar to mine, and we should thrive as a team.
My mother always raised me to be able to provide for myself if I were abandoned. I never thought I would see the day where that would be an issue, but I have and I have come through it a bigger advocate than before. I now know that every person should have the ability to live on their own two feet if their world is ripped from under them.
Not only have I learned to love myself, I have learned to love my body. I have learned to change something if I feel like it makes me happier, and I have learned to love the shape I am. I have learned to eat healthier, move more, and appreciate the bounds in health I have seen. I have learned to go to the doctor for medical guidance when I need it, and I have learned not to avoid whatever they say needs done. I have grown to appreciate and love myself, and it has made all the difference. I no longer crave someone else's approval of my body or lifestyle.
Most importantly, I have learned to accept genuine love and appreciation from others. When I am told "thank you", I say you're welcome. When I need help, I ask. I am there to aid others, but I am not too afraid to accept the love I deserve in return.
Most importantly, I am no longer afraid to open up to a man who adores me. I don't build walls around myself or my body. I open up to a person who deserves it, and I reserve myself when it comes to those who don't. I now know my worth.
With that being said, I have only one more thing I want to say to you:
Thank you for breaking me lower than I ever knew possible so that I could grow stronger than I have ever been before. Thank you for letting me down so that I could pick myself up. I hope you have the life your truly deserve.
Sincerely,
6 piercings and a half shaved, half purple haired head later
