Life hasn’t quite been the same since you passed away. Death is inescapable, and that is a hard fact to deal with. I find myself thinking of you at the most seemingly random of times; little things that happen during my day make me think back to times I had with you. Most days, those memories make me smile and make me feel grateful for having spent the time with you that I did. Other days, those memories make my heart ache. Those bad days are the days that I curse at the wind. They are the days that I hide my pain from the world and withdraw into myself. The memories of you invoke the deepest of feelings in me, because I will always believe you were one of a kind. You understood me when no one else did. You were a constant light of love, a light I still look to when things get dark in my life, even though you’re not physically here.
As Christmas gets closer this year, I’m starting to experience familiar thoughts and feelings about you. Christmas is (for a lot of people, myself included) a time to look forward to. It brings loved ones together from far and wide, and is a time of great joy and feeling of wholeness. I am looking forward to Christmas to be with family and everything else good that Christmas brings. However, just like every other family gathering we’ve had since you passed, I can’t help but feel a little sad thinking about Christmas. I always have to catch myself walking into family events, because somewhere in the back of my mind I expect you to be sitting there like usual with the rest of our family. But to me, Christmas will always be the happiest, and the hardest. I will never forget that for as long as I knew you, you always thought of how to be there for other people. You put others before yourself, and always strived to make others happy. This was especially true when Christmas arrived; you were truly the life of the party. You went the extra mile to make sure everyone was enjoying their time together, and we did, mainly because of you.
Because you invested so much patience, love, and kindness into our family, you left this world better than you found it. You impacted so many lives, including mine. You showed me how to be there for others, and taught me at a young age that there is a deeper meaning to Christmas than presents and gifts. Having you in my life for the time that I did taught me that Christmas is in fact not the joy of receiving a gift, neither is it about necessarily giving a gift. You taught me it is about the joy of those around you. You taught me it is about the joy your heart feels when you make others happy. You taught me it is about the the joy of being a light to those around you.
Even though I know you’re gone, I will still arrive at our family’s Christmas gathering expecting to see you there with everyone else. Initially, my heart will sink. But only for a second, because I know that the night will be filled with family discussions of our fond memories with you, and hearing those stories about you will bring a smile to my face.
