It’s never easy to think back on a past relationship, especially one so serious and so full of potential. Anytime I even come close to thinking about the future my ex and I were supposed to share, I’m immediately overcome with regret, sorrow and anger.
On November 26, 2016, I was supposed to walk down the aisle and take your last name. And while I was only going to be 20-years-old when my father handed me off to move four states away to live with the man I loved, I thought I knew everything. At the age of 19 going on 20, I thought I knew what love was and I thought I had life all figured out. And you know what? Everyone said I was crazy. Well, that's because I was. I was crazy in love with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And when you think you've found the one, you don't want to wait a second longer to start your forever with them. Everything was great and I was happy; I was young and in love.
They say that when you go into life with blinders up, you're going to miss a lot of things. Most of these things are just going to be minor details that don't need attention paid to them anyways. But some of these things are going to be really, really important, and if you miss them, it's just going to affect you later on in life. Throughout my relationship with you, I missed a lot of important things. I was too head over heels in love to realize when I was hurting or when I wasn't happy. I had the illusion that I was happy, but that's only because I thought, why shouldn't I be? I have the perfect boyfriend and now fiancé, I have a second family, I have someone to share my hopes and dreams with, and everyone tells me how perfect my life is and how lucky I am, so why shouldn't I believe it? So I did.
But the truth is, I wasn't happy. I mean, don't get me wrong, obviously you made me happy. But deep down, I wasn't myself. I was searching for happiness in you, in a relationship, and in a future I was only creating in my head. And when I realized that, it hurt. It really really hurt.
What happened, happened and there isn't a need to elaborate on a past event that can't be changed. It doesn't matter who left who or who said what. The only thing that matters is that it's over. And as much as that hurts me to say, it's the truth and I have to accept it. Although you are no longer a part of my life anymore and I am no longer a part of yours, I still love you and always will. I will always think of you and you will forever hold a special place in my heart. You were my first love. And as easy as it would be to forget everything and go back to the way it was, the truth is, it isn't that easy. It's hard. It's really, really hard. Because while I've been working on putting the pieces of my life back together and figuring out myself, so have you. You have changed and evolved and grown, just like I have. We aren't the same people we were when we were together. And that's OK.
One day, I’m going to have to watch you move on. I’m going to have to watch you fall in love with someone else, watch you create new hopes and dreams, and watch you promise your future to someone who isn’t me. I am no longer your always and forever.
I always thought closure from you would solve my problems. That I would somehow become content and finally be able to move forward with my life. (Because let me tell ya, moving on from the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with might actually be the hardest thing you ever do). But I've come to the conclusion that the only person who will help me move forward is me. No one else has the power to save me or destroy me but myself. I'm finding myself one day at a time. There are really hard days and then there are really great days. The good news is, I'm young and I have lots and lots of great days ahead of me.
