You two never dated. You hated me for being with him, from the night he and I met over four years ago. In the time that followed, you managed to derail our time together less than 6 months into our relationship, whispering atrocities and spreading rumors while I was over 500 miles away. You decided your friendship meant more than my romantic life, making snap judgments before you had any idea about who I am.
I'll give you this; being protective of a good friend when they are dating someone new is normal. I believe that you knew him better than I did when I was 18. I knew there was something more though. I saw the way you behaved around him the night we met. You whispered while I innocently stood by, you threw daggers while both of your best friends giggled about the missiles blowing up my constitution.
"We should hang out soon! You've been sooooo busy with your girlfriend though..." You stood by while that target hit me from a different base. You decided to put your friends on the attack while you directed the troops. I didn't actually see your face, just a slight smile as you turned your head. The next day I was on a flight back to Sacramento at 7 am, and I got a text from my boyfriend. "They liked you!"
That followed the text you sent him the previous night that read "she's
interesting..." I cried on the hour and a half drive back to my parents house. I had only been in college for two months but I had a hard time leaving my bed and this trip was something I desperately needed. You managed to tarnish it. I tried to move on from it. I tried hard not to focus on the photos of you two hanging out at band rehearsals, that I could see it on Facebook as I cuddled into the deeper side of my depression nest.
I felt so threatened.
Three weeks later we broke up. I was turning 19 in seven days. He said he didn't love me anymore, I knew you had to do with it. I came home for Thanksgiving that following week and didn't get a phone call for my birthday. He and I unfriended one another on Facebook and you had left my radar. All I wanted was the boy I loved to come back.
In the following months he and I fought so many times, until one night we had a different fight. You came up. I slept with some guy from Kappa Sigma and you kissed the person I loved. He wanted revenge and told me about the "date" you two went on. He knew those words would hurt me more than anything. You went to a show then he took you to an overlook and kissed you. I came down on him harder than I had before. I knew there was something so much more than your "friendship". He wasn't even my boyfriend and I still hated you.
I spent five more months away from him, and the first thing he said about you when we came back together is that you were terrible to him, just like you were terrible to me. You turned around not two months after that incident and began dating someone who bragged about sleeping with you. You disappeared from his life, and thankfully mine as well.
We had almost two whole years away from the nightmares you caused us. Until I started school at the same university as you. 6,000 undergraduates should have been enough space for two of us. I walked into a class necessary for my major and that all changed. I am always an early bird for new classes, and this particular 9 am was no exception. I showed up at 8:40 am. There you were, my heart dropped. It was only January 4th. I was dealing with the fact that my family friend was having a procedure done that day and already couldn't focus. Surprisingly enough, our four weeks in the class proved far more enjoyable than I expected. You have your boyfriend, I have mine. We didn't talk about them, but still managed to pow wow with the other girls in our class. Things felt almost amicable.
A few more months went by, our class ended. Then the shells began to fall. I had a friend in a sorority on campus, and they were looking to bring more girls in. I figured why the hell not. This campus is so heavily driven by Greek Life. I knew it was your chapter, and I knew you held power. I told the head of Greek Life about it and she offered to offset the tension if need be, but I declined. After all, we had put it behind us. Several years passed since our catastrophe and I figured you and I had both grown up. At least I had.
So I begin attending events, you and I had minimal contact, and that was fine by me. Until March 8th. We were sitting around the student union and I was chatting with my good friend in the chapter. You and I avoided each other, but how easy is it to do that when there are only 7 people there? Anyway, we walk over to a local restaurant and all order food. Things seem okay. The sisters are asking about my interests, about me. Then your boyfriend walks in with one of your friends. He avoids the table but she runs right up to us and you wave her off. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you fucking live with your boyfriend, don't tell me he didn't know where you were that night.
The conversation somehow spins away from the girls "trying out" and focuses on the sisters new little's. I sat there awkwardly pawing at my food until finally it's time to go home. My one friend had left nearly 45 minutes ago, and I felt completely alone. We step out into a cool spring air when you announce you want to "go say hi to him" and I turn around to see you making out with your boyfriend. My stomach drops, because you haven't taken a second of this seriously. But I have nothing to stand on. You hold the power, and me? I am the pawn in your revenge fantasy against my boyfriend for not choosing you four years ago over me.
A few days after that incident I receive an email that there are no longer any bids being given out. That wasn't what hurt me. I have my friends, I was just searching for more ways to be involved on campus. What followed created waves of pain that are still crashing against my lungs and rib cage every time I hear your name.
I texted your second in command because she was handling all of the Continuous Open Bidding process. She sent me a screen shot of my text messages directly back to me with a caption that read "how do I respond to this?" I was not an individual, I was a nuisance and unworthy of any true reasons. I know that text message was meant for you, and I know you pulled the strings. I called the people I knew from your chapter and they hadn't realized I was being thrown in so many different directions by you. You somehow managed to wreak havoc on me all over again, except this time it was personal. It had nothing to do with who I was sleeping with and it had everything to do with the fact that you refused to let go of the fact that he rejected you three years ago and still would today.
That week I spent two hours crying in the head of Greek Life's office as she assured me I am better than what you did to me. I wanted to hit your car in the parking lot. My heart ached and I questioned my self worth.
You hold power. You are on the executive board of the chapter and are meant to represent it to newcomers. You held it over my head and I know for damn sure if my boyfriend showed up at one of those events, you would have thrown a goddamn fit. Because that is who you are, someone who plays for power, someone who needs attention.
I held onto it all for months. I cried and started fights with my boyfriend whenever your name came up. I was angry, I was hurt, I was taking it out on him for you waltzing in and out of my life untouched. Until two nights ago. He played for a crowd of about 30 people, and the first song was about you. I boiled over. He was angry, he was hurt, he was finally fed up with how you treated him. He asked how the set was. I told him I expected at least something about me following your song. I told him about how you decided to play fast and hard with my social choices and life. The invisible wall between us was finally down. It only took three months. But you broke his heart and I can't forgive that.
You skate through life untouched. You have parents who dote on your every need, a boyfriend who transferred to be near you, a sorority that somehow decided you deserve some of the most power in the chapter, and even professors proclaim your writing reads like a professional author. Yet you fail to take responsibility for how you treated both of us.
Well sweetie, here's to you. Your world won't stay sweet and simple in a bubble forever. One day you'll be hit with the reality check you've been long overdue for, and while it may not come from he or I, it's coming.
May my best friend karma be a real bitch this time around.