Dear worst Valentine's Day date ever,

You were the worst Valentine's Day date ever. You don't understand the effort I went through to make your day special. I put at least 10 minutes of planning into my gift for you and all I get in return is a broken heart. As far as I can tell, I did everything right, so tell me, where did I go wrong?

Was it when I woke you up with breakfast in bed?

Maybe the air horn and confetti were a bit much for three o'clock in the morning, but I had to start early in order to squeeze everything into a tight schedule of pampering. Plus, I needed to make sure that you were fully awake so I could see the surprise on your face when I handed you a platter of all the food I made for you: Jimmy Dean ® breakfast sandwiches (microwaved to perfection), tap water (with ice), leftover donuts from the dumpster behind Dunkin Donuts (only chocolate though, because I know that's your favorite), and of course, a fresh, hand-picked orange from my grandma's backyard in Florida (I saved it for months just waiting to give it to you on this special day).

Boy were you surprised.

So no, it couldn't have been something as great as that. It must have been our trip to the mall.

I know I can get a little carried away when I find a cute pair of shoes, but I made sure we had plenty of time to visit all of your favorite stores. Just because I didn't spend any money on you doesn't mean I don't care; I just have more important things to spend it on. After all, I did already buy you a quality breakfast. Plus, you got to at least look at all the clothes you could have had. Getting to see them is a treat enough.

As upset as you are that you didn't get the clothes you picked out, I know you can't be that mad. So what else could it be?

Perhaps the restaurant was of poor taste? It only got a half a star on paper, but it got all five in my heart. The service was horrible, the food was less than mediocre, and the ambiance was far from comforting, but what really matters is that we got to spend time together.

After such a (nearly) perfect day, I don't understand why you left me. Perhaps the movie was where you drew the line?

Everyone knows that horror films result in cuddling out of fear. That's why I decided that nothing could be more romantic than watching "Human Centipede" and having you wince in my arms. Except that's not how it went down. You just got up and left me. Right then and there. What a great way to end the perfect day.

After all that I did for you! You don't have to like what I do for you, you just have to appreciate the thought I put in. I showed you love in every way possible: I made you a gourmet breakfast with all your favorite foods, I took you out and let you admire all the things I refuse to pay for, I brought you to dinner (I have to admit, that was pretty bad, but again, it's the thought that counts), and I put on the perfect movie for cuddling so that our night could end in romance. I could have put even more time and effort into your special day and if I did, I wouldn't change a single thing.

Thank you again for ruining my Valentine's Day because I know yours was the best anyone could ask for.

Sincerely,

The Best Valentine's Day Date Ever