So often I hear stories about fathers. There are some fathers who sit in front of their big flat-screen TVs and scream at the players on the screen when they mess up what could have been a great play. There are some fathers who grill up the perfect burger outside in the midst of the scorching hot summer days. Some fathers buy gorgeous rose bouquets and sappy heart felt cards that express their love for the mother of their child. As many times as I’ve heard these stories, there’s always one particular story that hits close to home for me.

Imagine a father and his little girl. He would do anything for her at any cost because he wants to protect her. The world isn’t always as welcoming as we would hope and he’s scared of his little girl growing up and leaving him. So for the time that he still has with her he makes every second count; whether that be playing tea party with her when she’s 5 years old, giving her new boyfriend a hard time when she’s a teenager, or walking her down the aisle with tears in his eyes when she finally finds the man that she’ll spend the rest of her life with. There’s no love that can compare to the love a father has for his daughter. This will be a reality for a lot of little girls and their fathers and admittedly, I am envious of them.

You passed away when I was just 3 years old under what wasn’t the most innocent of circumstances. You made some mistakes and your life was the price you had to pay because of them. I don’t have many memories of you so the only things I really know are what I've been told as far as all of the horrible situations you put my family through and the aftermath of your poor decisions. I hate what you put my mom through. I hate that I grew up without knowing what it felt like to have a father and be “daddy’s little girl.” I hate that I don’t even remember the three years we spent together but even though all of this makes it seem so easy to do, I can’t find it in me to say that I hate you.

Yes you made mistakes, but unfortunately that’s part of being human. We are all flawed, we all do things that we will regret and we all unintentionally, in one way or another, hurt the people that we love the most. I know you never meant for this to happen and I know you’re looking down on me right now wishing you could be a part of the life that I have been able to continue living without you.

I never really tell anyone this, but I’ve always felt like a part of me was missing. Old pictures in our photo albums of us bring with them bittersweet emotions and stories of fathers bring even more. I’m lucky enough to still have my mother but I think even she knows that the void I feel without you is something that she just can’t fill, no matter how hard she tries.

Even though you’re gone, I have to keep living every day as if it were my last. If I’ve learned anything from your death, it’s that I should never take anything in life for granted. So I’ll give my mom a hug and kiss, I’ll call my grandparents and tell them I love them and no matter what, I will always love the man smiling back at me in the photo albums.

Happy birthday, daddy.

Love always, your little girl.