Disclaimer: what I am about to say probably won't go down well with some of you. Particularly the boys I am referring to.

If you're an overly sensitive past fling, relationship, or hook up, you may want to stop scrolling now.

In my 20 years on this beautiful planet, I have definitely had my fair share of crushes. I've also had a few relationships. I've even had times where I thought I was in love, and there was one time not too long ago when I actually knew I was in love. As a lifelong hopeless romantic, I, like most other girls, have always dreamt of what it would be like to find someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. Someone who is not only your partner, but your best friend. But I learned the hard way -- ya gotta kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince.

And let me tell you -- there are a hell of a lot of frogs out there.

Unlike most girls, I never thought boys had cooties. My very first crush was when I was in kindergarten. Of course, every other girl in my class had a crush on the same boy. But I didn't let that stop me. I'm very headstrong and I have never been afraid of going after what, or who, I wanted -- not even at 5 years old. Sure enough, I made a move one day during story time, and sure enough, the boy my 5-year-old self was in love with, "loved" me back. I'll never live down getting sent to the principal's office for kissing a boy in kindergarten. But this was sadly where my streak of meeting someone that cared about me back would end.

In high school I had my first, semi-serious, on again, off again, incredibly tumultuous relationship. For the sake of privacy I won't go naming names, but for now we can refer to this guy as Satan (no disrespect to the devil himself, but the name fits). He was always someone I was infatuated with. Every little thing about him intrigued me and made me fall deeper and deeper into what I thought at the time was love, but now I know it was just me being naive and frankly, rather stupid.

You see, the reason me and Satan were always on again, off again was because I did not realize that him treating me so poorly, cheating on me 75 times (no, that's not an exaggeration), making me cry everyday, telling me he loved me and then taking it back, was not his way of telling me I was special or that he really did care. It was his way of being a total jerk and keeping me around as a convenience to him. I was there to serve his needs. When he was bored and alone, I was the one receiving the "I miss you" texts. And for the course of two years I fell for it -- every. Damn. Time.

Well Satan, if you're reading this, thank you. Because without you I would still be letting people, especially guys, walk all over me, cheat on me, and get away with it, break my heart into a million pieces, and make me cry every day and still try and convince myself it's OK. But it's not. You see, it took me awhile, but I finally understand why you are the way you are. It's because you're weak. You're also a self-centered, egotistical, power hungry freak who suffers from severe "only child syndrome," and I think you feel that you didn't get very much love from your parents as a kid (which is BS because your mom is amazing and you should appreciate her more).

For some reason you have this severe need to feel needed, but you turn it into making those who need you feel worthless. You also have no remorse for your actions and you never think you can be wrong (why else would you hit me up two years after we break up to see if I am still interested?). But here's the thing - all those nights I went home and cried, all the "I love you's" that were later taken back, all the times you flaunted other girls in front of me, and let's not forget the time you broke up with me the day after Valentine's Day, all the times I defended you to everyone who told me not to, made me such a better and stronger person. Because of you I now know the difference between someone who really loves me, and someone who loves themselves and just wants you along for the ride. Thanks to you, I no longer let anyone walk all over me.

Thanks to you, I can finally be the best version of me. Thanks to you, I now know what I deserve and most importantly, I know that I do actually deserve love.

And just in case you were wondering, being a college dropout who now fixes cars for a living and gets high every single day because they have absolutely nothing better to do is not exactly appealing. But you do you bro.

I'd like to say I left all of my insecurities behind in high school. I'd like to say that I entered my freshman year of college completely self confident and ready to take on the world ahead of me. I'd be lying. The thing is, I left Satan and all the pain he caused behind three years ago, but part of it always stayed with me. It's actually incredibly hard to bounce back after being emotionally abused and mistreated for two years. Even now I sometimes slip back into feeling like I may not deserve love. But while my freshman year was incredibly overwhelming, and while deep down I was scared and struggling, something amazing happened.

I met a boy.

Not just any boy. A boy that changed everything.

I might sound crazy for saying this, but I really do think it was fate that brought us together. You see, neither of us were supposed to end up at that party. It just sort of worked out that way. And I had no idea that one party at the end of my freshman year would change my life as I knew it. In a way yes, this boy did sweep me off my feet. He was everything I thought I ever wanted and I never had the courage to tell him I loved him (thanks to Satan for this one) because I was too scared he wouldn't love me back. The one downfall that I am still left with from Satan's time in my life is that I have a really hard time letting people get close to me. I tend to keep everyone, even romantic interests, at an arm's reach. This is because when people get too close, they tend to leave. They find out something they don't like and they leave. And when they leave, they hurt me.

But this boy was lucky enough to get close enough to still hurt me. There are still a thousand things he'll never know (unless he's reading this now) about me and about the pain he caused. But there's also things he doesn't know about how I bounced back.

So, if you're reading this right now, and you know who you are, here's the scoop.

I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. While we were only together for a short period of time, I managed to do a lot of things wrong. But I apologized for all of those things a long time ago. One thing we have in common is you don't like to let people in either. You pulled the "pot calling the kettle black" card the day you begged me to let you in because you wanted to know everything about me, when you couldn't even do the same. But that's ok. Trust me, I know how hard it can be.

Believe it or not, you actually did pretty much everything right, and I gave you a hard time for a lot of things - which was my fault. But let me tell you the one thing that can't be taken back, the thing that caused more pain than you realize.

Closure. I never got it.

I don't know if you really had a real reason for leaving, or if you were just too much of a coward to tell me, or another excuse you may have for leaving that crucial detail out of a pretty important conversation, but I do know that now it's irrelevant.

What you don't know is that because you left out such an important detail of why we needed to break up, I was left in a state of total confusion and self blame. It would've been one thing to tell me you cheated on me (even if you didn't - point is it would've been an answer), you could've literally told me anything and it would've been enough. But you didn't. And while I will never know why, I want you to know that I am OK.

I don't think you meant to hurt me. I don't think you're a mean or bad person. I just think that for some reason you didn't want to be a part of it anymore.

But I want you to understand why that's not OK. I spent months trying to figure out what I did to push you away. Months of replaying every moment over and over in my head trying to understand it all. And now I probably have more trust issues than anyone I know. I let you in and it backfired. But shame on me for that. You made promises you didn't keep and that's OK.

One day, this magical thing happened. I woke up and I realized I was fine. I no longer cared why it happened. It no longer mattered. All the pain that I felt from having my heart broken into a million pieces disappeared. And I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started loving myself again. And then I found myself still caring about you as a person. Not in the same way as before, but just as a person I care for you. And I can count how many times I have tried to be on good terms with you because to me, that meant everything. Sure, we both went our separate ways and you've moved on I am sure, but I really did try to be on good terms with you because you meant enough to me to do it. From time to time I still wonder, "What if?" and "Maybe someday things can change." But at the end of the day, it is what it is.

The thing is, in a way you'll always be the first person to treat me the way I deserved. Sure, it didn't last, but you showed me what that was like and I can't thank you enough for that. Another thing you should know, that insecure girl you met freshman year? She's gone now. Our entire time together I never believed I was good enough for you, I never thought I was worthy, and our break up taught me how to love myself. So in a weird way, I can thank you for that too. Because now I am the best version of myself I have ever been. And a lot of it is because I got to know you. So if you're reading this, know that there's no resentment on my end. I don't hate you, although I'm sure you probably thought I did from time to time. If anything, I wish you the best. To me you'll always be the boy that changed me for the better.

So thank you -- thank you for sweeping me off my feet, showing me, even for a short time, what it's like to be treated the way we all deserve, and thank you for making me fall in love (even though I am pretty sure you never knew it). Thank you for teaching me to love myself. Without all the hurting, I never would've experienced all the things I have, and I certainly wouldn't be here.

One last thing you should know (whether you want to or not): you'll always have a special place in my heart regardless of everything.

So in case it wasn't obvious by now, all the boys I've ever encountered in one way or another, did not "break" me. I am not broken. In fact, I am better than ever. I still believe in love, I believe in all aspects of it. I'm just no longer afraid of getting hurt.

I am finally able to say that I am in the best place I could ever be in in my life. And it's all thanks to the boys that "broke" me. So if there's one piece of advice I have for any girl or boy out there feeling broken and hurt - trust me, it gets better. One day you'll wake up and you'll realize how strong you are, and that they only knocked you down so that you could pick yourself up. And once you get back up? Make sure you enjoy the view, it's a pretty good one, I promise.