Where do I even start. First of all, you’ve made me feel emotions that I didn’t know existed. Being someone who doesn’t express her emotions openly you sure did teach me how detrimental holding it all in can be. You also made me just feel in general, which to be honest I didn’t think for a while I was capable of.
From the feelings you taught me, came the hurt you caused me and continue to cause me. You know exactly how to push my buttons and purposely do things to hurt me and I think that’s what makes it hurt more. You are one of the most jealous people I know. A thing as simple as talking to my best guy friend is enough to set you off. I know you think that I purposely do these things to make you angry, but I don’t. Most of the time I don’t even know you’re mad until I don’t get a text back for an hour and then see the tweet that says “dumb bitch.” That usually confirms it. I don’t know what would EVER make anyone feel like it is ok to post such derogatory and demeaning things on social media about the girl you “love,” but you do. You think that’s ok and, at this point, the only person to blame is myself for letting you do that to me for so long. Your anger usually then turns into a competition of “who can hurt who most,” and you know you’re the grand champion of making me cry.
Your words have made me question everything about myself. I’ve never felt more low than when you constantly accuse me of being with other guys. I will never be able to understand why while I was at school and you were at home that you refused to trust me and would not speak to me unless I was sitting in my dorm room, alone and miserable. You never seem happy unless the only joy in my life revolved around you. Even when I would just be at the mall with my girlfriends or in a mandatory meeting for organizations I’m in, that was enough to make you angry.
Through the constant verbal and mental wars, there were some good times. Good times that made me fall in love. When we were actually together, physically, we were perfect. All of the fighting and troubles and words just faded to nothing when I was in your arms and for a while that was my favorite place to be. You made me feel safe and protected and loved and nothing bad could happen to me when I was with you. You promised me the world and I fell for it.
The list of the bad in this mental roller coaster that has been our relationship for a while now is way longer than the list of good, but that’s exactly what has had me holding on. You know very well how much my friends despise you and hate the things you do to me. They tell me about how much better I deserve and no matter how much I know it’s true and how much I believe it too, there’s a piece of my heart that won’t let me just drop you. You make me feel needed. When it’s good, it’s so good, but when it’s bad, it’s even worse. I’m in a constant battle with myself, with my friends, with my family, and with you.
Admitting all of these things makes me feel even worse for holding on for so long, but what makes me feel better is that I think I now know it really is time to let go. I’ve become too numb for this to ever be anything healthy ever again. So, thank you for the good times and thank you for the lessons, but it’s time for me to take my heart back and this time I’ll save it for someone who won’t throw it on the ground and stomp on it. I think there will always be a part of me that loves you, but you don't deserve me anymore.
