To the boy who secretly has my heart,
Please bear with me. You don't understand how hard this is for me to write. You mean so much to me; the last thing I want to do is ruin everything we have by telling you about how much I secretly want you, knowing that you don't want me as much. You hold my heart in the palm of your hand, with complete and utter control. One utterance, one look and that delicate heart in your hand will yearn for you. One remark, one pursue and you can crush that fragile heart with no regard to what can happen.
There are times when I wish I could not remember our drunk conversations like you can. The things you have said that you would never say sober stay in my mind. The hugs and touches while you're intoxicated burn my skin, wishing you would do the same the next day. You have me going to bed every night rethinking everything I have said or done in front of you, thinking maybe he finally knows. To see you the next day and realize that you don't recall anything you said or did that night breaks me with each utterance of the sentence, "I blacked out."
If one day I instantly get a burst of confidence, I'll tell you. I swear I will. I'll tell you I love when you laugh, even when it's a short, one-syllable chuckle. I'll tell you that you look effortlessly handsome in blue, and I love it when you grow out your stubble. I'll tell you that you're funny and kind, even when you make fun of me. I'll tell you everything I have been waiting to tell you, how I Snapchat you just because I want an excuse to talk to you, how my heart jumps every time I see you. How you're constantly on my mind, no matter what I am doing. I'll tell you that every conversation we have ever had is engraved into my mind, and I'll tell you that I love when you say my name. A symphony doesn't even sound as beautiful as your voice.
I don't blame you. I mean, it's hard to blame you. It's mostly my fault. I step back every time we might be taking a step forward. I over-think everything, not just encounters with you. I'll stay up late thinking if maybe you really meant it, maybe you like me just as much as I like you. It's hard when you lack confidence like I do. Everything you do gets analyzed in my head. Did he mean it? Was it because I am the only one here? Trust me, you don't understand how easy it would be to blame you for us not being together, but I take full blame.
Maybe you're reading this right now. Maybe you're wondering who I am talking about. Maybe you finally realized that it's you.
Love,
The girl who secretly gave you her heart
