Dear Annoyingly Obnoxious Next-Door Neighbor,

Thank you for always, without fail, possessing the intentions to blatantly disrespect me and our other neighbors around us. It is such a pleasantry to listen to your illiterate and distasteful music, with bass that shakes my ancestors from their graves. This is especially joyous when I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning for work, such as a day like tomorrow, or when I have one of my excruciatingly painful chronic migraines. It would be silly not to mention the fact that the other inhabitants around us have young children that need to go to sleep early and can’t because anytime someone enters or leaves your household, you slam your door so hard it’s stronger than San Francisco’s tragic earthquake of 1906. Being an early morning riser used to be great until now, because I have to spend extra time making up for lost hours of sleep due the wonderful hospitality you don't extend to my family and our other neighbors. On a more serious note it is ignorant for me to mention this, but maybe one day you’ll learn to earn the respect of your fellow living inhabitants if you continue to be obnoxiously loud at ungodly hours and invite hooligans to help you do so. Take my advice with caution though, I wouldn’t want to set you up for failure with your future neighbors since you are doing such a good job now. I wouldn’t dream of turning you down if you ever needed an egg or a cup of flour because how high you don’t sit on my pedestal of people that I respect.

Thanks for nothing,

Your really quiet and irritated neighbors.