Dear you,
Hi.
By now you’ve learned that deep down, I can really be a huge jerk. And trust me, I feel like that every day. There are people in my life that love me and believe that I’m the best thing since sliced bread. At one point, you were one of those people. I don’t know if you still are, but I know for certain that you were back then. You cheered me on when I was happy and cheered me up when I was sad. You listened to me, stayed up late with me, shared with me, and laughed with me. You gave me so much love. And I hurt you.
When I see your face, even after all this time, my heart breaks a little. Call it my guilty conscience, because you’re still here after everything I’ve put you through. Yet I can’t help but wonder if you look at me differently now. You thought you’d seen my ugly side, but now you’ve really seen it. You thought I embodied strength and kindness, but you were wrong.
You see, I am pretty much incapable of forgiveness. You might have known this already. I’ve crossed paths with too many people that have hurt me and left me. I suppose all that coming and going hardened me, which is why I have time forgiving and forgetting now. I also understand that that is the worst thing that can ever happen to you...to be hurt and abandoned by someone you trusted and thought cared about you. You felt I was strong for being this way -- for always resisting people who walked all over me. For unwaveringly standing up for myself like the walls surrounding a house. But these walls I have created around my heart are not because I am strong, they are because I am afraid. You are the strong one for being so able to forgive me after what I have done to you. You are the strong one for letting me into your life once again, although I don’t feel as though I deserve it.
Now, when I am with you, or even thinking about you, I watch myself. I saw how hurt you were during that time we weren’t speaking. I felt awful because I knew that I was wrong the entire time but felt (for whatever twisted reasons) that apologizing wouldn’t be worth it. Your soul is so lovely, I couldn’t stand to see anyone hurt you. Moreover, I couldn’t allow myself to hurt you again. So, I watch myself. I watch my words and actions, and I watch how you interpret them. I watch the way others treat you, so if you ever need protection or someone to lean on I can support you. I am careful, not because I feel like you can’t handle yourself, but because I never want you to handle any negativity whatsoever.
So, this letter is a thank-you. Thank you for being so gracious. Thank you for showing me the way, even though you don’t know it, towards granting forgiveness to those who really don’t deserve it. Thank you for giving me unwavering respect. Thank you for understanding that I am not perfect. And thank you for this second chance. I am blessed to have you back in my life, and couldn’t imagine being without you.
Love always,
Me
