This will most likely be published the day after the game, so most of you are probably too hungover to function, so I'll keep my remarks brief.
Dear U of M fans,
Why are you like this?
Why do you do thing things you do?
Why do you clog the streets of Ann Arbor, an otherwise pleasant Southeastern Michigan town, with a veritable Sargasso sea of blue and gold, while the rest of us are just trying to get to Vault of midnight to pick up the latest edition of Squirrel Girl?
Why do you insist on taking every single parking space in the city, causing the rest of us to have to pay $40 to park on the lawn of a shady apartment complex that someone was probably murdered in at some point?
Why do you torment us with the blaring of your loud speakers at your unnecessarily massive frat and sorority houses, which smell of cheap beer, used condoms, and poor life choices?
Granted, I'm not talking to all of you. Some of you are quite pleasant and altogether respectable. Some fans just go to the game, cheer and scream for a bit, drink some Bud Light, eat some nachos, have a barbecue after the game, and retire to bed. Bud Light is nothing but watery horse saliva that isn't fit for human consumption, or horse consumption for that matter, but I'm willing to forgive that. To each their own. There's nothing wrong with having a fun day out at the stadium and cheering on your favorite players at the old football game.
I'm talking to the ones amongst you that spend the hours before the game shouting incoherent chants to passersby on the sidewalk and while covering your girlfriends' breasts in low proof alcohol. People who get so "hype" for Game Day that they can't help calling the referee unspeakable things from the stands because he hasn't ruled in the favor of the almighty wolverine.
Guess what, Chad, it's not your decision. You are not a referee. You did not train to become a referee, and if the ref makes what you deem to be a "bad call," your definition of a "bad call" being any call that doesn't fit your personal U of M centered vision of this highly contested and fluctuating game, repeat after me: It. Is. Not. Your. Problem.
Don't you have other things to do? Don't you have essays that need revising? A textbook that needs reading? Your mom probably misses you. You know what, stop reading this article. Call your mom. It would certainly be a better course of action in my view than smoking a codeine laced blunt and losing your car keys within the vodka-stained folds of a couch on which you were making out with your girlfriend's less-hot-sister on.
And why do you always feel the need to boo and jeer when the opposing team loses? What is up with you guys? Did Ohio State cut your brake lines or something?
I am the furthest thing from a sports nut, you can imagine. My knowledge of sports comes almost entirely from the basketball and baseball sequences in the first two High School Musical films. One thing I do know, however, is that sports are hard. Being college-level proficient at a sport requires an immense amount of dedication, training, and stamina, none of which you possess, Becky.
I'd like to see you get down on that field and do half of the stuff these football guys are put through and see you you feel about being booed by thousands of people when you succeed. Add to that the fact that a lot of those athletes are probably being screwed over by their university's sport's departments anyway (as explained in the John Oliver video below), the least you could give them is, I don't know, common human decency.
Wolverines, I am not asking much. I only ask that you do one thing: look at yourself. After the next game, take a good, hard look at your life choices and ask yourself the question: "If I was the person that I am on game day all the time, would I still want to hang out with myself?"
If the answer's yes, I commend you. You have passed the human test.
If not, don't despair. From all of us non football fans: You are not alone.
