Here is an open letter to my fathers. My parents are not divorced, but I still have two fathers in my heart. My dad, here on Earth, and then my heavenly father. Dad, thank you for all that you do, not just for me, but for our family. Thank you for the countless hours that you have worked to provide for our family. Thank you for being goofy and not caring what people think just to put a smile on someone’s face. Thank you for always putting everybody before yourself, for being the protector of our family. Thank you for standing up for your family, and for people who are not a part of your family, even if it meant going against the grain.
Thank you for always supporting me and believing in me, even when I did not believe in myself. When I lost myself, you were there to try to help me find my way back home. I am sorry for the countless nights that I caused you to worry. The nights where I ignored you because I was ashamed of what I was doing. I am sorry for those few years of disappointment you were stricken with, for the pointless arguments I constantly caused. I am sorry for letting you down when you trusted me. I am sorry for closing you out, when all you were trying to do was pull me in close to help me.
I am sorry for not trusting you and listening to you, for it would have prevented most of the suffering and anguish I bestowed upon myself. I am sorry for those few years in which I was not being the daughter you had raised me to be, for letting hurt and rage govern my life. I am sorry for allowing the enemy to get into my head, thus causing me to push you and mom away. I thank you for not giving up on me, and for continuing to pray for me when it seemed inconceivable.
Even in my darkest days, you saw the light within me. You knew I would change when I was ready. “The righteous man walks in his integrity. His children are blessed after him,” Proverbs 20:7. Because of your walk with God and your obedience, we are truly blessed. Thank you for being a reflection of my heavenly father.
To my heavenly father, God, I know your love is shown to me every day. However, I just want to thank you for giving me my dad, who is able to show it to me physically. Thank you for blessing me with a dad who is relentless, and allows your light to shine through. Lord, I thank you, above all else, for dying on the cross for me and my sins.
Lately, my heart has been heavy as I have reflected on the past, because not only did I let my dad down, I let you down, Lord. I thought about all the things I had done and blamed you. I blamed you for all of my anger, for causing me all of the pain I was enduring, for the emotions and confusion I was experiencing. I had so much hatred and anger built up towards you. I did not understand that things were happening because you were allowing them to happen. I could not comprehend why you wanted me to feel this way.
I felt betrayed by you. I felt unloved, abandoned and lost. Really, you were there the entire time. You were protecting me and trying to close those doors for a reason, but at the time, I did not see that. Instead of running to you in my time of need, I ran away from you. I was ashamed of the choices I had made. Not only did I hide from my family, but I hid from you too. I was so ashamed of who I was, I lost focus on you and began looking for something else to fill my emptiness.
You were tortured, judged and ridiculed and you died on the cross for me. You experienced more pain than I have ever endured. I am ashamed of how I treated you in the past. Yes, my dad never gave up on me, but neither did you. You were always there, even when I did not deserve it. “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you,” Isaiah 43:2. Thank you for your grace and mercy, and for your light that overtook my darkness.
We tend to blame God for when things go wrong. I am guilty of that. We choose to see what we want to see and not what God wants for us to see. I would not be where I am today if I didn’t go through all of the trials I went through. I thank you Lord for my past, for the pain and the misery I encountered, for closing the doors that I wanted so desperately to keep open. I thank you for molding me into the person I am today, and for making me stronger than ever before. My heavenly father, I thank you for never abandoning me, even when you felt so far away. Sometimes you're further than the moon, sometimes you're closer than my skin. But now, my heart burns for you.
