Dear Conor (ConMan, C-Rod, Floopy, Noodles, Beans, Mr. Littles)

Where to even begin....

First off let me tell you thank you. Thank you for being the reason that I smile in the darkest depths of my depression. Thank you for being the reason I smile when I've done nothing but feel miserable and beat myself. Thank you for the countless sleepless nights, because your version of a sleepless night is 100 percent safer than mommy's old way of thinking of what a sleepless night should be.

You were born at 3:13am on a Monday. I really thought I would never be excited about a Monday in my life, but when they laid you on my chest, obviously the tears flowed out of my eyes but then that sinking feeling that you were 'gone' hit. You came into this world with complications and from the start I knew you'd be difficult, but you are the perfect kind of difficult. The sinking feeling that I wasn't "mom" enough for you started when I went into the hospital. They told me that the stronger my contractions were the more your heart was in distress, they told me they had to put a heart monitor on you to make sure you were still alive. I felt like I had done all of this work just for my body to shut down around you and never let me meet you. The next round of that 'not mom enough' feelings came when they told me to push. They contorted my body in every known possible position and you were still in distress and I felt like that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't become your mother.

I heard your cry for the first time and like a normal reaction I started crying because I knew for real that I was finally your mother. After all was said and done and all the of the lights and alarms were shut off and all of the extra people left all that was there was me and you. I held you as much as I could and then I asked them to put you in the nursery so that I could sleep.

I was woken up by the nurses a few hours later saying that my heart rate was too low and that I needed to go on a heart monitor, and once again that feeling that I'm not a mother came flooding over me. But soon I was taken off and able to see you and hold you again. In those short two days we were in the hospital you met so many of your family members and mommy's friends that are now your 'aunts and uncles'. Then they said we have to go home and I could see it in your sweet eyes (that were once brown like daddy's but now shine blue like mommy's) that you were excited. We dressed you up in your Beast from Beauty and the Beast outfit put on your baby sunglasses and made the long drive home.

Just me, you and daddy. All alone on this scary journey we now call life.

Two short weeks passed by and I broke your heart by going back to work, I knew it was too soon to go back but I had to do it to help you start to have the life that I wanted you to have. Sleepless days and countless hours with Mom-Mom and TiTi Sherry helped me know that you were in good hands while I was away and that half hour drive home was the longest when it came to the end of my shift. Knowing that I was so close but so far from you made me excited to get home but sad that I left.

Months went by and you had so many great days and countless smiles and milestones, but I didn't get to always see them because I was away. Those little things built up inside me and the depression came swooping in like a bird of prey who just found dinner.

it was just around your 5 month "birthday" when I really hit rock bottom. When I say rock bottom I mean no ambition to get up or be alive, no urge to come to your aid when I heard your cry, nothing. Thankfully your dad helped me through a lot of this, he helped me get up out of bed, he helped me get dressed for work or even would help me in the middle of the night when you would wake up wanting all the hugs and kisses. Also around this time was your first Christmas, and usually Christmas is supposed to be a time where you are happy and joyful and wanting to be around family, and especially with it being your first Christmas I was supposed to be excited. Yet, here I am crying to the point of dry heaving on the bathroom floor and just all over depressed and stressed out. I saw you propped up in the corner of the couch with your little smile in your 'My First Christmas' Santa hat and I felt a little better.

Seeing you brings out all the emotions in me, from happy to sad to angry. Just know my sweet boy that whenever I yell or get upset, it's never at what you've done or are doing it's all because I don't know how to handle the situation and I just let myself get easily stressed out. I don't ever want you to think I'm mad at you because you knocked over my cup of coffee in the morning, or spilled the puppy's water bowl all over the kitchen, or even when you find the one button on the remote to mess up the whole TV.

10 months into being your mommy I hit another low. I quit my job at I place that I loved and hated all the same way. I started going to school to get back into the career field that I left because I thought it wasn't for me. I took a two month intensive class and started working right away. Then I started to see you more so I was happier, but the stress of the job and maintaining a consistent passing grade brought out the stress. You definitely felt these effects because I would let you cry longer, I would get angrier quicker and suddenly you spent more and more time with Grandma and Captain.

This job isn't what I want for our relationship because I'm too stressed, I come home crying or upset. I come home covered in germs and sometimes yucky stuff and I feel like I'm just not good enough because you don't have me around enough or I'm angry because I can't get you everything that I want to give you and the major thing is, I don't want to miss another thing in your life and trust me baby boy I'm working hard to find one that makes us all happy and maybe one I can take you with me so I never have to leave your handsome face and chubby little thighs again.

Now 13 months into our relationship, we've had our share of tears, cheesy puffs, chicken nuggets, hugs, kisses, tickle wars and nighttime snuggles. I hope you never grow up but I hope you do. I want you to be the best version of yourself no matter what that is. I want you to grow up and know that whatever you want to do for a career I'll support you (almost) 100% of the time. I'm working hard to save money for you to go to whatever school you want to go to, or rent your first place wherever you want to live.

I will always be here for you Conor, and though I might not show it all the time I love you to the moon and back and I promise to work as hard as I can to give you the things in life to make you the happiest.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

I'll love you forever, no matter the weather. Through bad and good times, I've got your heart and you've got mine.

Love you always and forever,

Bernadette

your mommy (whether you like it or not)