A day doesn't go by when I'm not thinking about you. I can't begin to fathom how long it has been since I last saw or spoke to you and how long I have made it without you here. The day when you were taken from me so suddenly was a day in which I knew I was forever changed. Grief and sadness took over my entire being for so long — I didn't think those were feelings I could shake off. Sleeping for days and living in isolation for months was the only way I could feel somewhat decent. I didn't want to come to terms with reality. To this day, this is something I still struggle with.
While I lost you, I gained something. I gained the ability to rise above the heartache and suffering your passing caused me. I have never been put in this situation, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I also gained the courage to accept that it is OK to not be OK sometimes. Along with this, I gained the ability to hold you in my heart always, and to keep your spirit alive in every way possible, especially through the tattoo I have to commemorate you.
I miss you more than words and feelings can describe and express. I always am faced with the question of "Why?" "Why me?" "Why you?" 'Why' was and is a word that I can't help but wonder about. I had so many questions and zero answers. But some questions are best left unanswered, right? I know you have achieved overall happiness now that you are in heaven, but I can't help but be selfish and want you here with me.
There will always be a part of me that wishes there was something I could've done to help. I know there was nothing, but I will forever feel a sense of regret for not doing whatever I had the power of doing in order to make you better.
There is so much you have missed and will miss, such as your daughter's high school graduation, your daughter's wedding, your future grandchildren, and more. I wish you were here for my accomplishments because you always were excited about the littlest things. You were the biggest supporter of my decisions and my dreams. I do everything in hopes that you would be proud of me.
Thank you for everything you did for me as a parent. We might have not had the best of times, but you were my best friend. You taught me more about love and life than any textbook or professor ever could. You showered me with love and affection, and I wasn't always appreciative it at the time. But as I look back on the past, you gave me more love than some receive in a lifetime.
As much as I want to, I can't bring you back. Would I trade everything to have even a day to be with you? Of course. But life doesn't work that way. Life isn't always beautiful, but it does have a way in showing us what is important. It's sad that it takes death to reveal this. You truly don't know what you have until it is taken from you.
It is my mission to live each day to the fullest in honor of you because that is what you would want me to do. Yes, some days I want to stay in bed and grieve. Grieving is an ongoing process and it's different for everyone. When I look in the mirror, I see you there in the reflection. I hope I can be just as selfless, caring, compassionate, loving, and more, as you as I continue my life's journey.
Love you always.
In Loving Memory Of My One Of A Kind Mother.
Erin L. Bauman
November 22nd, 1960 - October 30th, 2014.
