Sunrise? Mom. Sunset? Mom. Roses? Mom. Birds? Mom.
It's crazy how many things you can associate with a person without even getting to know them. Without really knowing them. Let alone that person being your own mom. Whenever I hear someone say something like "You look just like your mom" or "You walk just like her", I usually go through two emotions and they never come in a particular order. One of the emotions being heartbreak. Heartbreak because I never got to see your smile, or at least I don't remember seeing it (Thank God for pictures) and heartbreak that I never got to see the way you walk. The other emotion being happiness. Happiness that I get to carry the looks of someone so beautiful, not only on the outside but also on the inside. Selfless, loyal, trustworthy, and stubborn are just four words I would use to describe you from the stories I've had the privilege of hearing. I'd like to think that I carry around these traits too, not as flawlessly as you did, but then again, I really only hope to be half the person you were and I hope to make half the impact you did on the lives you touched.
While I write this letter, I don't intend for it to be about how sad I am that you're not here to live this life with me, because trust me I am. I wish you were here to see me go through the milestones I have gone through and have yet to go through. I wanted to write this more to reflect on all the blessings I've been able to come across in this life that may not have been so possible if it weren't for the battle you lost to cancer.
- My appreciation for Rosie, Conal, and their family
I have never met anyone more loyal than Rosie and I cannot imagine you choosing someone else to be my Godmother. The word "Godmother" in itself says it all. Not only is she one of the most faithful people I know, she never fails to recognize God and all of the amazing things he does for us, but she is also everything and more that you wanted for your daughter if you couldn't physically be there for her. The best part is that she was your best friend growing up and she was also my best friend growing up, and she still is. My favorite part about being her best friend is that I also got to become a part of her family. A "What's mine is yours" deal, taken to a whole different level of friendship when God had other plans for you as my mom. Rosie and Conal's family has given me siblings I never would have gotten without you here. Siblings I love, fight with, laugh with, go on adventures with, and some I even get to go away to college with. Rosie and Conal's family has also given me grandparents and cousins, and even more cousins in Ireland. I like to think that Conal is able to joke around with me just like he did with you because I can take it. Along with Rosie being the most loyal person in my life, Conal is the most dedicated. Dedicated to Rosie, his family, and his work. I am so lucky to be a part of a family who has taken me as their own, while their parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews did the same without ever thinking twice about it. Not many people can say they have four sides of a family, four sets of grandparents, along with all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins that each make you feel equally loved, welcomed, and want nothing more than to make more memories with me. I cannot imagine a life without a family that greets me with just as much excitement as the last time we saw each other.
2. My love for looking at old pictures
I mean it is really my only way to see you so of course I love it. But I also love looking at old pictures because it means I get to flip through and admire how cool you and your life were. From hearing stories and looking at pictures, you really did live life to the fullest without knowing what your future had in store for you. Traveling and spending time with your friends and family were some of your favorite things to do and I cannot imagine a better way to go through this life other than doing those exact same things. I don't think anyone knows how bad I wish I could travel or spend time with you.
3. Learning and living through "Life isn't always gonna go your way"
I think this one is pretty self explanatory but I've pretty much been able to guarantee nothing goes exactly as you planned it from the start. That's what makes life so amazing, scary, and exciting all at once. I don't think many people would wake up ready to take a new day head on if they knew exactly what they were going to encounter every single day for the rest of their lives. The good, the bad, happy, and even the sad moments are what makes life so delicate. It is so hard to say things like "Never take anything for granted" or "Someone always has it worse than you do" but they really are true. You really just never know what tomorrow will bring. And you really never know what the next person is going through. Dad always says "We might think we have it hard but there's somebody who has it even worse and someone who's got it even worse than them"
4. An overwhelming sense of safety in the smallest things that not many other people would take notice to
I opened the letter with the things that make me feel like you're with me the most. I remember praying so hard when I was little for God to give me a dream with you in it so I would be able to see you. And I would get so angry at him for not giving me that dream every morning when I woke up. Growing up, I realized neither God or dreams work the way I thought they did, unfortunately for me. But I was able to find you in other ways and I'm sure there will be many more as I live my life. The sunrises, I've only seen a few times cause I sleep through most of them. But the sunrises I have seen, calm, beautiful, full of radiance-how could I not associate them with you? Sunsets, I've seen many more of. Again, really calming, beautiful, but also a reminder that everyday has an end and as everyday ends you never know what the next will bring you. A sunset is just another reminder to be grateful for everything you have while it's still in your reach. Roses, your favorite flower. I've been receiving Roses from an "anonymous" person for the past 18 years on your birthday and your anniversary-don't think I don't know you had something to do with that. Roses, for me, are another reminder that while you aren't here you're making sure I know you're here in some way. Which brings me to birds. When dad bought a car as old as me to learn to drive in, that was probably the first indication I'd need all the safety I could get. As time went on, I started to notice birds that would fly over my windshield, sometimes causing me to stop really fast so they wouldn't smack themselves against the windshield. As more time went on, this would happen to me in moments I needed it most, many times where I needed to slow down, and probably stop driving so fast (sorry dad). These moments made me realize for as much as I wish you were here in person, you're here in your own ways, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
5. The Chick Evans Scholarship
It goes without saying that life as I know it would be a lot different if you were here today. Life as I know it has been pretty great though. One of my favorite accomplishments in life has been the Evans. Due to life as I know it, I've been able to go to U of I, meet and live with my best friends, and even join Camp Kesem, something you know I've both wanted and needed for my entire life. Everything really does happen for a reason.
So yes, I can sit here and write a million reasons for why you should be here. And I can write a million more for why cancer is the worst thing to ever exist. I like to think you are watching what's going on down here, laughing with me when I laugh, crying with me when I cry, and sometimes yelling at me for a decision you didn't want me to make but I did anyway. I often think about the advice you'd give me when it comes to the current situations I'm in in my life. Life, school, boys, family, or anything else I get myself into along the way. I wish I could hear your stories about your experiences with these things. I'll spend my whole life wondering what God's plan was when he decided you'd lose your battle to cancer but I also wouldn't be able to write the list I have of all the parts I've already recognized in such a short amount of time. I look forward to being able to understand more of this plan the more I go through life, always wishing you were here too.
All that I am or hope to be I owe to you,
I love you and I miss you always,
Hailey
